• May 21, 2012 /  Entries

    I’m so hung over right now, I… don’t even know. I was doing so well, too. It’d been months since I last drank myself unconscious. Can’t start thinking I’m a functional human being, I guess.

    I keep staring at Lien’s letter. I should reply. But what should I say?

    “No, I wouldn’t have reacted like you did, not for this secret. Your secrets have never been like mine.” True but uselessly nasty.

    “I’m sorry for having no idea what you needed.” True but… hardly fixes anything. Went about it all wrong. But she deserves an explanation of -why-… that I don’t know if I can give in a letter.

    My brain just… shut down, everything just shut down. Well, no. I was still thinking. What shut down was my feelings in some desperate last-ditch attempt to keep me calm that ultimately failed anyway.

    I keep thinking of all the things she said. It never will just be ‘in the past’, will it? It changed the course of my life in every way. Everyone else involved could be dead and it wouldn’t matter; I’ll carry it on my back to my grave, every step of the way.

    I’ll just… have to talk to her. Have to explain. She says I don’t have to, but I do. No more secrets, I guess. I know it’ll change everything, knowing all that I’ve been and done. But if she’s going to spurn me, it’s better to get it over with now. Rejection is best done quickly and decisively, I know that.

  • May 16, 2012 /  Entries, Writing

    I want… everything to go smooth for just a little while. That’s all I ask, Lord. Please. A little while? A month, even, just one month?

    Yeah, fat chance. But at least the things that matter – the people that matter – are still with me. I can endure anything with the help of the ones I love.

    Lien did a charming job of trying to make me food for my birthday. I mean, it was disgusting, but that’s hardly what matters. I was just… so overwhelmed by the gesture. Trying to cook for the very first time, for me? I’d have swallowed poison in those circumstances. And then throwing me a surprise birthday party… I could have used less surprise so I was wearing more than a towel when everyone showed up, but the thought is what counts.

    I just… wish that what had happened afterward… hadn’t. But it did, and all I can do is try not to dwell on it. Like I said before, at least the people that matter are still with me.

    On a happier note, I found a poem I wrote… oh, it must have been two years ago now? I was seized with inspiration and wrote it on the back of a piece of mail, and thankfully I never throw out my substantive letters. LEt me copy it here just in case, though:

    Swallows

    Some call a bard a fool who’s fancy free,
    good for naught but gossip and a song;
    for an ale-drenched evening, pleasant company,
    but useless when the night work’s hard and long.

    Myself, I say the value of a smile
    Is reckoned best by those who went without;
    The champions of art have oft stood trial
    Within the courts of misery and doubt.

    Our backs are strong and work has crafted leather
    Of hands that write or draw or pluck the strings;
    In service to our craft we often weather
    A myriad of strange and subtle stings.

    So laugh with us, or smile or cry or gawk –
    tis how we please our hearts and earn our bread.
    But if you disdain, you know not what you mock;
    For bards have danced where others fear to tread.

    …right, I’d best stop writing in this and start writing a few letters instead, then get back to Southside. Their need for medical care, even inexpert medical care, is too extreme to go unaddressed.

  • May 10, 2012 /  Uncategorized

    As a gentry family, House Orban has an unusually long history, boasting a storied career in the mercantile sphere of Tubor. Their business, Orban Spices, began initially with two spice plantations. Expansion followed, with the purchase of Callum Shipping in 205 SC and a vineyard acquired through intermarriage with the Storm family in 268. In 271, the company officially diversified into the Orban Mercantile Group.

    Its fortunes waxed and waned in the following decades, though even at the nadir of its influence it has remained a presence in the merchant world. Since Alastair le Orban took the reins in 310 SC, however, the Group has flourished and steadily increased its market share, particularly in the export of Tubori spices. Having its own shipping arm, it’s able to sell its spices at lower rates than many companies who contract out, and so that remains its main source of profit.

    The family itself, however, has not been so lucky. Of Alastair’s four brothers and sisters, only he survived to adulthood; of his five children, only two made it that far, the heir Raymond le Orban and his younger brother, Petyr. Both suffered from the same delicate constitution that had led to their relatives perishing, particularly Petyr, who was rumored to be slowly dying of consumption.

    Raymond was groomed to succeed his father, but inexplicably disappeared from the public eye for eight months in 331 SC. When he reappeared, it was in a grave at the age of twenty-one, evidently the victim of a plague that swept through the ducal seat that winter.

    Petyr le Orban took the reins of the Group from his father in 340, handling the company wisely and well despite frequent bouts of illness. These bouts began to intensify as he approached the age of forty, and he did without issue in 352 SC.

    Alastair was seemingly left without heirs until, surprising those familiar with the Tubori gentry, a young man named Ariel op Orban was acknowledged after Petyr’s death as Raymond’s legitimate son. Though he had seemingly come out of nowhere, all the documents existed to prove that Raymond had married a young woman simply named Ista – of unknown origin – and fathered Ariel legitimately, dying before his son was ever born.

    At the time of his recognition as heir to the Group, Ariel op Orban was living in Lithmore as the court bard to the Lady Chancellor of the Exchequer Marisa dul Damassande. With his family’s money now backing him, he soon made a name for himself in the Kingdom. During the succession crisis, he gained political prominence as one half of the Persela-Orban Coalition, a powerful faction that backed first Cellan dul Ansari and then Tobin ab Samael for the throne. In the wake of the crisis, he became a well-known face at court, serving as an advisor to the royal couple.

    In late 353, he was rewarded with a title, raised to the Barony of Savir to fill the void left by the heretic Baron Bardane ab Whirothol.

    Quiet rumors abounded as to the precise reasoning behind Ariel’s ennoblement, suggesting everything from secret services to the Crown to unnatural relationships with the King, the Queen, and even possibly the King’s dog. Nonetheless, his ennoblement has been largely accepted at Court with a general lack of fuss.

    However, House Orban’s future remains tentative, as Ariel seems to be in better health than his unfortunate family but has no heir – indeed, he has essentially no relatives but his grandfather and mother. His closest blood relations are his fourth cousins Lien and Sien le Storm of Strongjaw, and he serves currently as the guardian of Lien.

    Colors: Emerald and gold
    Sigil: A gold-hilted dagger held vertical within an emerald wreath

  • May 5, 2012 /  Entries

    First the water, then the fire.

    The smoke of the corpsefires has been rising to the sky steadily since the waters receded. A foul haze hangs about our city like a filthy halo of palpable stench. Much of what is being burned now is hardly recognizable as human flesh any longer, merely decaying slime ripe with putrefaction. But it must be burned all the same, for health, for human dignity.

    Dignity? What am I even saying? I pay them five silver a body to burn them; I have gotten messengers asking how much to pay when it is unclear how many bodies a certain wheelbarrow or barrel of remains used to be.

    My soul is sick within me. I know the Lord does not control our actions; He gave us free will so that we could achieve greatness by living according to His word. If we didn’t have the ability to choose evil, there could be no goodness in our hearts – only an existence of meaningless and empty perfection.

    There is no one to blame for the hideous evil perpetrated by Laraxis and her demons but Laraxis herself. But I still want to ask – why? Why did this happen? Why were we so unable to prevent it, or to end it sooner? Why is such misery even possible?

    There is no time to wallow in such questions, to let myself be lost to fear or doubt. It is far more important to look after the living than to grieve uselessly for the dead. It would be indulgence of the worst sort to allow horror to dog my footsteps, to slow me down in my efforts to relieve the miseries of Southside.

    But I am still gripped at times with a numb disbelief that seizes my soul with more force than any conventional pain. I think of what the priestess said to me, her last words – “Save Lithmore, op Orban”, she asked of me.

    And I couldn’t.

    Oh, we turned back the flood waters, banished the demons, killed the mage… but I couldn’t even save the priestess herself, and the dead burn silently, numberless as the stars in the sky.

    I wish I’d known her name.

  • April 22, 2012 /  Entries

    Lien,

    Let me start by saying that first off, I love you too, and that if I make a muck of this guardian thing sometimes it’s not because I don’t care.

    I’ve thought about the situation some more, and though I don’t like it to say the least, you really cannot sing to him at the burning – but may visit Eriit in the tower if 1) the Order approves and 2) I come with you.

    Being a noble comes not only with privileges but also responsibilities, and one of those is to uphold a proper image. Singing a song to a commoner mage boy when he’s on his pyre is not something I can in good conscience let you do. Your reputation is under constant assault because of your activities in the Southside, and this would do nothing but fan the fires. If you wish to sing to him in the cell, I will play for you.

    I must ask that in general you be more careful of your reputation, at least for Her Royal Majesty’s sake if you care not for your own. As a member of the Court, what you do reflects on her, and she is feeling troubled and embattled at the moment. I barely managed to buy off some rumormongers in time to stop a story that you were a prostitute employed at the Happy Harem; I did not manage to stop rumors that you’re addicted to the sugar cubes and that you’re sleeping with all of Southside. Please, just… be careful.

    And don’t worry about Bryne. He and I are alright; he understands why it needed to happen, and I don’t think our friendship is going to suffer unduly from it. I didn’t kick him out solely as a punishment, but also to lessen any chance of temptation between the two of you – what with your bedrooms being right around the corner from each other.

    I just want you to be happy, Lien, I truly do. Taking drugs, playing with boys, running away, getting in fights or getting drunk… none of these things truly cure unhappiness. They dull the pain for a little while, and you can get into a slump where you think that’s the same thing. But eventually it all wears off, and you’re left with the same problems you had before – only often worse because of whatever you did while drunk or high.

    To truly be happy, you have to figure out what it is you want and enjoy in life, and what it is that you don’t. We’ve talked of finding you a husband, but we’ve never talked of finding you a vocation. Granted, as a noble, there are many things it would be inappropriate for you to pursue – but there are also many things that would be fine. I think it might be helpful for you to have a constructive aim in life, and it would give you a skillset of some sort that would be useful when it comes time for you to rule Strongjaw. We can talk about this in person, but think about it?

    Still your guardian,
    -Ari

  • April 22, 2012 /  Entries

    I can’t shake the feeling that was an entirely wasted bout of honesty, but at least I tried. I owed Cellan that much, after managing to upset her so badly.

    I’m feeling that old familiar urge to just go bury my head in the sand somewhere. Just when I thought things were improving with Lien, she goes Southside twice in a day? And this mess with Bryne, having to doubt even his honesty… it hurts. Just like I told Marisa, I can’t reconcile being suspicious with caring about someone. How can you care when you can’t trust?

    And the rumors. Arien, the rumors. I can’t give the gossipers the satisfaction of showing it, but I’m so hurt and humiliated I could -happily- flog whoever’s behind it. I thought that maybe now, at last, these kind of intimations would stop swirling around me… these suggestions that someone like me could never gain anything he didn’t screw out of someone.

    But now it’s worse than ever. My title of all things, supposedly bought with my body? And both Cellan and Tobin being besmirched in this way… it’s shameful. It’s shameful and unfair that their reign should be tarred with this slander because they chose to grant me this honor.

    What I said to de Laerne is spinning around my head. Treated like scum, again and again. And all the titles and honors in the world are no protection.

    I should fight back, but how? Rumors are like water, they simply run through your fingers, and the tighter you try to grasp the more they scatter. Like love too, really, or respect. You can’t force it. But if all the things I’ve genuinely done aren’t what people think of when they talk of me, what can I do about it?

    …at least I still have her. Our love becoming the sane, calm touchstone at the center of my life… this is what I always dreamed about before, when things between us were difficult. At times I despaired, but I’m so glad that we never gave up. We made tough choices, hard compromises, and we kept fighting to keep our love alive, and this was our reward. We understand each other, we know what we can live with and without, and we haven’t quarreled in months.

    I’ve nearly cheered myself up again just writing that paragraph. Perhaps I should go see her and tell her about everything, ask for her advice. She’s always got something useful to say.

  • April 11, 2012 /  Writing

    The Lost Women I have known
    an endless string of paper cutouts
    fluttering in the breeze
    Touch them and they bruise in colors
    that lay in wait all along
    underneath the smooth white surface;
    touch them and they draw blood
    with perfect precision,
    though it stains them also.

    The Lost Women I have known
    Such pleasing displays when viewed head-on;
    such a razor-thin sharpness when you slide
    around to a vulnerable side.
    From that angle they are all the same,
    cut from a pattern written to wound.

    It paralyzes me now, this feeling
    That now I know to sidestep the crackle,
    the sweet dry rustle of papery laughs;
    that now I must always hunt for the trail
    of two-dimensional betrayal.
    It paralyzes me to know I must circle
    like a wary predator, because otherwise
    I am prey.

    It paralyzes me because knowledge
    is worse than ignorance;
    because knowledge means I -must- touch,
    disturb the placid surface with purple ripples.
    Knowledge makes you my enemy,
    means that things sever, and fall apart;

    Knowledge makes you Lost.

  • April 10, 2012 /  Entries

    I’ve been such an arse.

    Both Lien and Jei trying to court each other only because they both thought I had my mind set on it? I’ve caused all kinds of pain to two people I consider like family because I got carried away with some stupid romantic idea that ‘oh, wouldn’t they be great together?’

    And they both cared for me enough they went along with it despite being clearly incompatible, and I’ve hurt the both of them through it and made Jei doubt our friendship. When will I learn not to -meddle-?

    Sure, Jei seems lonely, and sure, Lien could use an advantangeous proper marriage to settle her down, but I should have been able to see what everyone else did, that it was a bad idea. It makes it worse that they went along with it because of their regard for me, a regard I’ve abused by being an insufferable fatheaded idiot.

    And now Lien evidently wants to go back to consorting with either the idiot Stirke or the utterly foul Saoishe or maybe both at the same time, how should I know? Though if she thinks Jei is worse than Saoishe she’s beyond blind. Still, I’m the one who’s driven her right back to them. And it’s clear she’s manipulating me to high heaven to get the truth out of me, and yet I can’t do anything but give it to her, no matter how much danger it puts me in.

    …So I say “things are going so well, something has to go wrong!” and this is what I get.

    Bene’s dead, and probably as much of his own choosing as anything else. Jei’s clearly hurt by me having to divert my resources to backing the King rather than him, and any attempt to fix that would result in hurting someone else terribly or forfeiting the one promise I made to the King in return for my title. Not to mention this whole courting debacle, which is evidently my own fault. Things with Lien have flared up AGAIN. Bryne and I had that massive quarrel over something I didn’t even do, and I don’t know if he even grasps that flogging someone for disrespect can ever be justified.

    It’s so frustrating. I keep thinking some day I’ll stop messing everything up, but even when I have the best intentions, it all goes wrong. It’s probably good I turned down the position. Lithmore would probably be on fire by now if I hadn’t.

    Well, time to probably get myself killed by trusting my duplicitous ward.

  • April 8, 2012 /  Entries

    I am the Baron of Savir. It feels so unreal, even as I’m staring down at the signet ring on my finger – cast in gold. Ariel le Orban… I don’t suppose ‘Ari’ is really very appropriate, now. A shame, but Marisa’s almost managed to get me used to Ariel.

    There’s so much that I have to do right now, a nigh-endless list of tasks and duties to balance and carry out. But I feel… great.

    Yeah, I feel great. Fantastic. Wonderful. Everything is coming out so well. I’ve been granted a title, as I dared wish but not truly hope for. I have a full slate of satisfying projects to keep me busy. The Group is flourishing, and is likely to benefit from access to Savir’s trade route into Farin. Lien seems to have come around, and is behaving wonderfully. Yule’s approaching, and for the first time I really have what feels like a whole family to trade gifts with. I’m a man of substance and worth in the Kingdom, as acknowledged by the King himself. And of course, other things I shouldn’t go into are better than ever.

    In fact, I’m so happy something is bound to go wrong soon.

    Hmmm. No, you know what that is, that’s stupid thinking. And clearly I haven’t gotten this far with stupid thinking. …Okay, well, sometimes I engage in stupid thinking. But not often. Probably.

    …Anyway, the point is. I’m not going to tarnish this wonderful bliss I’m feeling right now by second-guessing it. Things are genuinely great, and likely getting better. I have an intimate, cozy little Yule party to plan with my “family”, and I’m going to focus on that. Um, once all the business is done.

    Also, I’m the Baron of Savir.

    That’s still incredibly awesome!

  • April 3, 2012 /  Entries

    ohArien why’d I do that I fel totally terrrible i just threw up like5 times. i THINK it mustbe over now and I canjust slep. Hope Lien doesnt tel anybody everybody would be sopissed specially HER. sposed to be smrt respo..sicblne person now. I FEEL REALLY BAD THAT WAS SO DUM