• 9/21/353

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    March 23, 2012 /  Entries

    I’m trying not to talk about it, not even to think about it, in case it doesn’t happen. Lord knows it’s fallen through before.

    But I have to say, the suspense is killing me. Let them still have enough faith in me. Let my deeds outweigh my mistakes. This could be the answer to all my doubt and uncertainty; I know that it would be enough. All of my problems, solved in a single stroke, and I would repay them with all the strength and loyalty I possess. I would do well. I know I would.

    What haunts me almost more than the mere possibility of hearing no is the implications… the knowledge that my choice would have cost me the only chance I had. If they say no, that -is- what it means.

    That I have ruined their trust in me irrevocably.

  • 9/17/353

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    March 23, 2012 /  Entries

    My life’s been turned upside down all over again. You’d think, at this point, I’d be used to it enough to stop stubbornly holding on to any conception of which way is which. But no, things are normal for periods that are just long enough, between the insanity, that I start feeling settled. And then…

    I have a -ward-. I suppose that technically she’s an adult, so I’m not actually her guardian, but age is just a number. In the ways that matter, she’s clearly still a child. Bratty, self-focused… rather endearing in her own way, but.

    It’s clear she needs some kind of mature, responsible adult in her life looking after her and guiding her toward making the right choices. Do I know…  anything about being a mature, responsible adult? Oh, boy.

    On a different note… my god, Bene. I can’t believe what happened to him. It’s almost too terrible for words, and so pointless. What did she think she could accomplish by it, anyway? A waste of her life, and a horrific brutality. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sight of him like that… it’s a wonder he was able to smile when he woke up.

    The Lord grants us free will so that our choice to worship him or not is meaningful, but at times I am sickened enough by people’s actions that I wonder if it’s worth it.

  • 8/17/353

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    March 15, 2012 /  Writing

    I thought I’d know what to say about it by now. But I don’t – not in prose.

    She lies enshrined in secrets in her grave,
    beneath six feet of cloying, veiling soil;
    the ‘whore’, the innocent they could not save,
    the temptess torn from this cruel mortal coil.

    None can know her failed and final aim,
    and none can disentangle truth from art;
    She lived and died in chaos none could tame,
    with none the more acquainted with her heart.

    Those who claim truth but grasp at brittle straws,
    in desperate meaning-making of her deeds –
    She sleeps within the Urth’s devouring maw,
    and none can cipher what her lost heart reads.

    So let her rest in shrouded mystery
    and label not her deepest loyalties;
    To the Lord her soul; her motives, history,
    the rest of us keep naught but memories.

     

  • Chess

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    March 12, 2012 /  Writing

    The board is laid
    With pieces made
    Solely for their roles.

    Born a pawn
    I soldiered on
    A king deep in my soul.

    I won each square –
    Means foul or fair –
    My foes I drove before me.

    The lords and knights
    applaud my fights
    and silently deplore me;

    “For all his heart
    and subtle art
    We cannot change our birth;

    Cross the board,
    become a Lord?
    Aye, you have the worth –

    But know you stand
    In foreign land
    And don’t forget your blood.

    Drink the wine,
    in silk recline,
    But you suckled in the mud.”

  • 7/10/353

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    March 5, 2012 /  Entries

    Traitors everywhere. Lithmore is corrupt down to its bones. I, like an idiot, believed in so many of them. Now I pay the price for being so credulous. I asked her if she thought me a fool. She said no, but she meant yes.

    And I can’t do anything about it, any of it. I watch evil happen, and recognize I am powerless. They all thought me a fool, no doubt… and they were right.

    They deserve everything she’s going to do to them.