The Bee's Nest

Mother,

I am sorry for the time since my last letter. Things have been insane here. I’ve hardly had a chance to write letters about business here, let alone ones to you. Tonight was the first time that I’ve had to sit down and write without dealing with everything else. Brynieve’s birthday is almost here, we celebrated it early. I gathered together a small feast from the Farin Quarter for us and gave her her gift. She loved the spectacles. I noticed her squinting sometimes after a long time reading and I thought I would see if they helped. She’s already in love with them. I think she’s going to be wearing them with every outfit. I hope she likes the Yule gift I have planned. She’s done so much for me and been there for me. I want to provide her with the best of everything. She deserves the best.

The children are wonderful. It’s hard to believe that Brandon is already a year old. He’s just growing so big. He’s trundling around, unsteady at the moment still and needs help, but he’s getting around and is so active. The girls are entering that phase where one likes to get the other in trouble in this or that. Lyss is really taking up painting and is interested in taking up the harp. I think she will be a lovely little artist, though she hasn’t shied away from the few discussions of sword work either. She’ll need that when she takes on Cort. Jess is a bit more rambunctious of the two, more of a tomboy than the perfect little lady. I think that is because I had her alone for such a time. Bryn is a good influence on her though. She’s learning about being a working noblewoman. She asked for pantaloons the other day rather than skirts.

How are things at home? Is the new harvest doing well? How are our people handling this year given the extra we had to take last winter due to the poor yields. Please open our personal larders if things get too tight there. I want to make it up to them this year for the help they provided us last year. I know I cannot always be there, because of the Regency, but I want the people to know I do care and wish to help them. I’m going to work with one of the newer traders here on distributing some of the Vees cider and brandy. Shaylei le Orban has done a fabulous job with the Vees Mead.

Things here have been out of hand so much. Ariel was in a bad way for such a long time, so much going on with him and I felt hopeless and unable to help him. I don’t support all of his actions, I support him always, but some of his choices I worry for. It had caused some stress, but I think that things have calmed down ab it now. He’s provided me with some good advice in this period of crisis. The trip he took to Farin seemed to help. Sameer was able to talk to him and Sameer is such a good man. I miss having him here as Cardinal, or even as Grand Inquisitor.

I don’t know what to do sometimes. I feel like so many out there, they want me to guide them and lead them by the hands and when I don’t, they get upset and snap at me for  getting things done. Things that by all rights they all should have done already. Everyone is so out for their own self interest that they take  everything that happens personally rather than thinking of the great situation and kingdom as a whole.

We’ve got a guild leader who sits back and doesn’t do much unless it concerns themselves. We’ve got another who seems to be clueless about what is going on in their own organizations. We’ve got warrants being delivered to those who are to enforce them in the middle of crowds where loose lipped people will surely spread the information to the targets. If this were a military I would have drawn up formal reprimands. It’s as if security is a second thought to playing politics here.

I’ve addressed some of the issues, but there is more that needs to be done. I need to be better about the political side of things, but it just irritates me when people are so concerned about personal ego above getting in there and offering their help or taking action themselves. They get bound up in complaining, but never doing. Or doing without thinking. There are times I think that I want to retire soon, open up the training school and just get away from the mess. I just don’t think now is the time. I want to stay with this until her Majesty is of age at the very least.

If it weren’t for Bryn and the children, for Ariel, for Marisa even, I’d probably go insane. It’s not all bad though. We finally got the privy council up and running, held a meeting. It felt so gratifying to get us all together and discuss and plan and share ideas. It was a long meeting, but it felt so productive and heartened me. It is what Ariel and I discussed so long ago when we made plans for the Privy Council and wanted to see it flourish. Those dreams came to life.

I am also, after this, going to meet with Ofelia von Hartsong about the Charali Plains plans that I discussed with you. She’s got enough information established that we may be able to finalize the details and move on from here. I’ve got a Father Casimo  willing to help with delivering a mass on the subject. We are nearing the rollout of that. And if this can succeed, it would be a great accomplishment. For me and for the kingdom. I pray that all goes well with it. I’ve got high hopes.

I guess it isn’t all doom and gloom, looking back on what I’ve written. It just feels that way sometimes, when I am in the heat of dealing with the politics. There is hope out there and I will latch onto it, we all need to I think. I think Bryn and I will come down with the kids sometime soon, even if it is just for a month. We’ll visit and  see you all.

With Love,

Your son Tomas

Silently he watched as the buckets flowed into the bath. The clear frigid waters rushed in, crashing against the wrought iron surface. It stands out in the office. Not that the space is overly opulent, but it bears its luxuries, finely made trappings, rich alcohols that now remain untouched. The bath, its tub is dark and imposing, a monolith that is as cold and uncaring as the waters that now fill it.

It’s not cold enough. A quiet nod is given to the waiting servants as they begin to pour another two buckets in, these filled with ice and snow, freshly brought down from the mountains. The water, already frigid and fresh from the Bren melts the snow, absorbing its cold eagerly, sucking it up and in to wrap the ice in its chilly embrace.

A servant moves towards him, years of service in the households of the great and the ‘good’ prompting them to aid with his clothing. Clothing that bares only the barest trappings of his station. A waistcoat for presentability, a golden pin a reminder from… (a friend?). Cotton dark and drab, just a faint bit of stripes to break up the solid dark colors. Cotton that is sturdy, more fit for what he once was, not what he has become. Or perhaps more suited to him now than anything else he might wear.

He waves the servants off, a dismissive shake of his head and a wave of his hand. Silently they file out of the office. His hand comes up to slip free his coat, tossing it over the back of one of the chairs. His buttons are undone slowly, dragging out the process as his mind wanders over the things that have led him here, what he has done.

His body is bared, old scars of battles long past cross his figure. He would trade twice as many more just to be rid of the ones that cannot be seen. Stepping from his pants he looks down at himself, disgust washes over him. The root of man, the root of so much evil. His teeth grit in frustration and he pushes himself forward into the bath.

The cold, icy fingers claw over his body, shocking him and making him shudder. He forces himself through it forcing his body to still and not fight against the painful cold. He sinks further down into the waters, feeling them rise up his chest, his neck until he is completely submerged in the frigid embrace of the icy Bren water.

Floating in the cold and in the dark, the shocking, cleansing pain of it he prays, silently for forgiveness, reliving his past mistakes, searching for the better bath. Liar, betrayer, hypocrite. Charges that he couldn’t deny. He could give reasons that might dull the sharpness of them, each thing had a reason, a cause that led to what happened, but he knew them for truth. Others had leveled worse upon him, building off the truth, building it to something greater than it was, trying to make him suffer. They didn’t know the truth of what was going on within.

Minutes drag out, the ice slowly begins to give way under the heat of the body. It isn’t until the cold has begun to lose its edge that he rises from the waters, cleansed for another day, until the process is repeated on the morrow.

His knees sink to the ground beside the bath, the cold water running in rivulets down his skin, dripping to the rugs below him. His body remains tense, his ablutions are not finished yet. One more final penance for the day.

His hand gripped the leather handle, studying the tight braid closely, his features solemn. He closes his eyes, as if that could hide him from himself. His arm, well practiced, toned from a lifetime in war and service. The leather snaps and cracks across his own back, sharp and painful. Red welts, angry with the bite of the wrongs that he has done rise up on his fair skin.

His body shudders through the process, his forehead rests against the wrought iron surface as he swallows the pain. A growl, angry at his own weakness, his own failings wells up within him. the leather snaps again and blood begins to trickle down his back. Again and again the leather meets flesh, angry and hard. As viciously as he fought his greatest enemies he goes to the task. He is as unforgiving as the leather, pushing harder the more his skin raises, the more it breaks.

Fifteen minutes, that had been the price he had asked for. He had gotten off too light. He deserved this pain, he deserved more than it. “Do you think I should step down?“ He was ready to do that, though he had been told no. Even after asking for the pains to go with everything else. Nothing will feel like it was enough as long as those he cares for hurt because of him.

Fifteen minutes, he had set an hourglass up to time it. He forgot to turn it over before he began. Fifteen minutes? Twenty? Thirty? Who knows, he lost track of the time. It wasn’t over until he was exhausted, until he couldn’t swing anymore. His body collapsed on the floor.

The room is silent save for his breathing for a long time. Eventually curiosity and concern overwhelm his guardian. She comes in and sees him there on the floor, bleeding. through the good times and bad she has been there beside him. Not always agreeing, but always supporting, caring for him.

She produces bandages from her bags and carefully wraps them over the wounds. She knows enough to not treat them, just enough to make sure the blood doesn’t seep through. The servants need not suffer for his penance. She checks to make sure he is well, but doesn’t urge him further and leaves the room.

Exhausted, weary and spirit broken, he pushes himself up carefully and dresses once more. Buttons slowly working over the clothing. So used to wearing silks, cotton might as well be wool. Wool. Perhaps that should   be what he wears next. It would sting his body more. But isn’t that the point?

He looked in the mirror, barely recognizing the figure he saw within its stark reflection. Slowly he straightens his clothes. He still had a job to do, fences to mend, friendships to salvage and rebuild.

One day down…

…Fifty nine to go…

The blade was cold as it scraped across his skin in a long, careful stroke. Not even the warmth of the water or the lather could help that feel of cold steel touching his neck. His movements were slow and careful, methodically working over the contours of his chin. The blade pressing up under his throat, digging in as blood wells up, sliding down underneath his armor.

The razor fell from his hands, clattering in the basin as his hand shot up to clap over the wound. “Son of a bitch,” he cursed to himself, his free hand reaching for a towel to clean up the mess. He felt shaky, not himself. He hadn’t cut himself like that in ages. So much had been going on, he was distracted, losing his focus.

He could feel his hand shaking. He hadn’t lost himself like that in a while. His humors were off, but who could he talk to? How could he talk to anyone about it? Ariel… Couldn’t. His friend had too much going on, he couldn’t bother him. Cellan… Maybe, but again, she had too much to do, how could she trust him to lead if she knew? How could she trust him if he didn’t? Brynieve… It would shatter her if she saw me weak like this. She has taken on so much responsibility, it was easy to forget just how young she was.

His eyes closed and leaned forward, his forehead resting against the mirror. Quietly a knock came at the door; Morgan, checking on him. He could barely summon up a grunt to send her on her way again. He would do it on his own, he had to. He couldn’t stand another person holding a blade to his neck.

Carefully, he peeled away the towel; bloody sticky as it clung to the cotton surface. The bleeding had stopped, it would hardly be noticeable, so long as he didn’t make too many more mistakes like that. After taking a few deep breaths, he took up the razor once more. It shook quietly, but he steeled himself, his eyes focusing upon the image before himself.

“Be strong, for Ariel… for Cellan, for the Queen,” he told himself, nodding with determination before lifting the razor once more. Soon the straight edge was scraping over the skin once more, clearing the last of the hair from his jawline. He wet the towel, clearing off the rest of the lather from his face. When had he gotten so old? Was he good enough? Was he ready?

He didn’t know the answer.

Brynieve,

I am sorry that i have not written you sooner. I have been wanting to so much, though keep finding myself distracted. Your home is beautiful. I saw a zebra the other day and I couldn’t help but think of you and chuckle. Your nephews are absolutely adorable. It is a shame the girls are back home else they could have played. But I did not wish to risk them on the trip.

Your brother is a very intriguing person. I don’t mean this in any sort of ill way, I hope you know, but he is the least Farin Farin I’ve met since I met you. He is very bookish like you. Though we’ve had some good discussions on engineering. It has been an education and I think i can use some of the ideas when I talk with the Vandagan masons who will be working on the fortifications on the border. He is a good man. We ended up sparring. I told him that he was doing well, that it would be fun to see you two paired off. He looked like he had swallowed something Vavardi and just got told what it was when I said that. But then he seemed happy that you were sparring with me regularly.

I am pleased to hear about the resolution tot he case of Lord Saloman de Noguerra. This is a large weight off of my shoulders and this should help make our dealings here easier to handle. And that is heartening news, to know that things seem to be going well between the Reeves and the Order. I was growing concerned by the divide.

Your sister in law is also an interesting woman. She… strongly thinks that you should get married, it would seem. She is quite the match maker. If she weren’t living out here, I would almost say that she and the Grand Magnate and Ariel should all get together and start matchmaking across the countryside. Though it would hardly be practical. Though there was one match brought up that was thought provoking. Amaryllis is going to need a husband and a Farin husband would do a lot to help secure the support of the Farin. Perhaps we should discuss something related to that younger nephew of yours, down the line.

The heat here is quite something, I had almost forgotten being back up north. But yes, I did use to experience this in my armor so it hasn’t been all that bad, comparatively. Thankfully the other day Cellan and I found an Oasis while out on a ride. It was a welcome relief from the heat and a nice place to relax for a time.

It’s been an interesting trip. At times I’ve even managed to forget about what happened before I left. Yet others it comes crashing back in. I miss her Brynieve. Everything else that has happened… whatever else. I do miss her. Cellan has been a huge help for me. I’ve grown a lot closer to her over the course of this trip. She has been such a big help to me, I don’t even know how to thank her for everything she has done.

How have you been back there in the city? Is everything going okay? Are you finally able to take a bit of a break now that the case is done with?

Tomas

————

Ariel,

I have tried to ease off on the drinking. For her sake, for my sake and so that I don’t offend the Farin people while we are here. It’s proven difficult, but it is growing easier to deal with as time goes on. I am growing used to it. I don’t think I would be able to handle this, easing off the alcohol without Cellan’s help here. She and I are closer than we’ve ever been before. perhaps it is our mutual loss that is helping us find common ground, I don’t know.

For my mother, I have sent word to her and am inviting her to Lithmore as you suggested. I don’t know if she will find a new husband or anything of that sort, but I think that even if it is for a short trip, it will do her good as you suggested. I will have to find suitable living arrangements for her while she is up there. She may arrive ahead of me. So if you see the most Lithmorran woman you have ever met, who can’t be Cellan because she’s older, that’s likely my mother and she is there to see the girls.

Speaking of the girls, Brynieve’s brother… or more accurately her sister-in-law has been broaching the subjects of betrothals and the like. Mainly she is trying to find Brynieve someone, but the  subject of Amaryllis and her younger nephew has been brought up. It isn’t such a bad idea. They are two years apart and Amaryllis is the Baroness of a Farin duchy. Having a Farin husband will help her gain the confidence of the Fariners she is to take care of. It will also be good for a family that is supportive of Lithmore. What do you think of the idea?

I am sorry to hear about the frustrations with the city. I don’t know how you are dealing with it. Frankly Gerolf has been moodier than a woman having her courses at times. He’s gone back and forth between wanting to retire because nobody likes him to acting an arrogant jackass. That’s why i couldn’t keep in my temper at the meeting to discuss the betrothals. For a group that is supposed to pretend they don’t have genitalia, there is an awful large amount of dick measuring coming from the Order of late and it’s getting tiresome.

As for the Royal Historian… that sounds like a good idea. Lets give Micolas a try as it. We need someone and that’ll be a good start. Maybe we can get him sorted with Brynieve’s copy of the last one so he has a broad idea of how we want things to happen?

We will be back soon, Ariel, I promise you that. We’ll do something when I get back. Maybe have a spar or what not?

Tomas

Ariel,

We are in Farin now. Things have been going alright so far. I can’t say that things haven’t been without their troubles. I have a hard time reading Cellan at times. It’s made worse by my mourning. I know my drinking bothers her at times. What with how much I have been doing. I think we are starting to get to know each other better, however. We are growing closer. She has been a help while I have been mourning.

We stopped for a time in Vees. It is funny and yet… sad that I am closer to my mother now than I ever was before. I always took after Father the most, much more than anyone else. Though i tried to emulate Brandon the most when I was younger. Yet now in our losses we have found more common ground. It was nice to visit her here. I think that I may have to bring her to Lithmore. I know she has been watching things in Vees for me, but Davian can handle that with my Steward. I would like to get to know my mother more. And she wants to visit Lithmore. She misses it from when she was young.

Things are tense here in Farin. The last time I was here we were still at war, though if I were none the wiser for what was going on, I would think that this were the trip that we were at war. Everyone here is so on edge. I see more soldiers than before. It is understandable, but we have to find a way to reach them and show them that they don’t have to give up their way of life, that they can still be safe and protected with this new path. There is a way forward, but how do we show them that?

How are things in Lithmore? Is the city holding together well? How are my girls? I miss them. I haven’t been away from them for this long before. This is so very different from a day or two spent in the office or away on business. Any news on them?

Tomas

OOC: Just a small note before I go into writing for this blog post I just wanted to say, I am going to be trying to pick up these a bit for LNoWriMo. Should be some fun I hope! I am going to try and vary it.

———————————

Mother,

First off, the question I know that you are wishing to know. No, the child isn’t born yet, but it shall be any day now. As soon as we know we will be sending word. Who knows, perhaps by the time you read this you will already be a grandmother. Katarina and I are excited for it. It is a joy and something to look forward to that has helped me a lot through some of these days.

It has been chaos in this city. I’ve felt betrayed. You were right, there would be people who would be two faced, out there to use me because of my position. I am sure that the person in question feels the same way. At the recent Yule party I could see the anger there. But when I was presented with the evidence, what could I do? Ignore it? You know me, I couldn’t do that and it hurt me. Especially as my good name was dragged through the mud because I was following proper procedure. Things seem to have worked out in the end. I feel bad for my reactions to it, I was upset, but I’ve got my penance for it. I just want this whole mess done with.

We also lost our Grand Inquisitor, thank the Lord for that one. The perversion of the faith, I just couldn’t believe it. Though despite all of my misgivings for the woman, I don’t think she is one that should die, not unless she was actually taking steps to overthrow people. Her heresy is unquestioned, she doomed herself when her defense against the Cardinal was heretical, but she is misguided. Perhaps with proper care she could be brought back to the right path, turn her away from her blood lust?

Yule has been good. I am still painfully aware of our lack of funds here and how I cannot give the extravagant gifts that others give sometimes, but I try and do something nice for people with what I can. I always feel a little behind on everything. I think my eyes and heart are just too big for my bank account at the moment. I do see good things on the horizon, however. Shaylei de Roldan is nearing completion of that new variety of Vees Mead that I asked her help in developing. If we can get this introduced to the market, it could well help the family coffers even more.

I know it is a bit late for Yule, but soon after the babe is born, Kat and I plan on making the trip to Vees to see you so that you can meet your grandchild. I have missed it back home, so much. Being here in the city, I love it here, but Vees is my home and it calls to me. So a trip back to see you and visit will be so nice.

I’ll also be bringing back a copy of my book for the family library. Yes, I wrote a book. No I haven’t decided to emulate Siras, though I do admit that I thought of him as I was writing. It’s on the war and my experiences in it. I am surprised at how well received it was. I mean… I’m no author, I’m a soldier, yet I had people asking me for copies to give to people as Yule gifts and the feedback has been really positive. I’m humbled by it all.

How are you doing? I’ve missed you and the castle. Is Davian handling things okay there, as Steward? Do you need anything from me? I got word about the mess up with the blasted herbs. I am going to be speaking with the Grand Magnate about it to make sure that they are blacklisted for this. And the Reeves to recoup our losses. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to send for me.

Your loving son,

Tomas

Another year has gone by, I’ve hit that great milestone, thirty years of life. Thirty years and I have a wife and a child on the way. I’ve been serving as High Steward. Things are good, great even, yet I am still filled with some trepidation about things. Ariel and I spoke for a long time after everyone else had left the party. We were drunk sure, but not so drunk that I don’t remember the words we had exchanged.

How much of what I believe or thought is untrue, sheltered in deceit? He tells me not to dwell and I will try not to, but what kind of person wouldn’t at least think on things? It is human. I won’t let it run my life, but I suppose the day just didn’t get started right in the first place.

Nightmares, I’m having more and more of these nightmares about my brothers, my father… and then during that bloody game they had to bring up brothers… what a way to sober one up… to make one reach for even more liquor. I am not surprised that is right when people started to leave… my mood was killed right then. I had just managed to push through it before arriving, forget about it and then that.

I am thankful for what I have, I don’t want to make it seem like I take it for granted, because I don’t, I cherish it all, I just am sometimes left wondering. I’m just… unsure…

She’s pregnant. it finally happened. I am going to be a father.

I am once more hit by the surreal. I have known this was going to happen intellectually. I have been expecting it, hoping for it, praying for it even. However now that it is happening I am faced with the reality of it.  Well the reality of pregnancy, not of children. I imagine that I will go through this all again on the day that I hold my child in my arms for the first time.

Perhaps it is my imagination, but Kat seems even happier now that she is pregnant. She has been positively glowing. I finally understand what people mean when they say that now. Mornings aren’t the greatest of things, but that doesn’t put her off at all. She is definitely more of an introvert than I am, but she was so full of the joy of it all that she went along with the idea of throwing a party to celebrate the news.

I can’t help but feel nervous now as well. We are getting ever closer to that reality and I wonder, will I be a good Father? Will I be able to be there for my child in the way that they need me with all of my other duties? Will I neglect those duties too much in my desire to be there with my son or daughter? I like to think that I will maintain the balance, but all of this is purely theoretical at this point. All I can do is try my best and plan for that future.

Planning… we must begin to think of names. I hadn’t wanted to do so before we were sure Kat was pregnant. I was worried that it would be bad luck to do so. Though secretly I had been pondering in my head. If it is a boy, I would like to name him Brandon, after my eldest brother, to help honor him. Though I am sure Kat has her own ideas. I really must work with her on deciding on this.

I hope that I can keep my children safe. That will probably be the biggest challenge, or at the very least the biggest worry for me. I want to protect my children, to help keep them safe from the dangers out there. I’ve been targeted by magic since my arrival here, I’ve faced slavers and threats of death. And then there are those threats that remain hidden, from those who won’t voice them, but you can see them, sense them lurking there.

Though I do have to pity whoever tries to attack my family. Our armory has just gone in and between us I think we will have our home and our children well defended. Plus Morgan and Johns  have both proven to be loyal and capable. For all my worries, I should trust that we are well set up to handle this. Not to mention, we have a number of friends who are there for us. I could not be more thankful for that and them going forward.

The date is set, the wedding is at the end of the month. I can hardly believe that it is going to be happening. There was a time a year ago where marriage was the furthest thing from my mind. I wasn’t concerned about it, but now I’ve found myself embroiled in it. I was leery when I arrived and people immediately began to speak to me about it. I knew it was important, but I still wasn’t ready for it.

Joining the Knights again was a relief at first, it helped put off the need to decide, but then things with Kat… well in the end things have all worked out for the best. She is a good match, she’s had children before, she is well established as a a noblewomen, plenty of money and is a kind woman. Yet beyond that, she and I became friends first and our feelings have developed as we got to know each other. I do think I love her.

Ariel… he cautioned me about going into it loving her already. Pragmatic is the approach he would advise. I understand his words, his suggestion being that it’s easier to find a place for someone else, to meld your lives together and have the love grow than to go in loving and try and fit each other in. We haven’t exactly done it, but in our own way, we sort of have, by being friends first for a while.

It’s now come to the wedding and I’m looking forward to it now, I’m actually eager and I’m looking forward to being a father. Not just to have heirs (though lord knows that is something I desperately need), I actually wish to have children of my own. I don’t know how many we have, we will leave that to the Lord, but we will cherish each and every one of them.

I have never been the best about writing a journal, but I really should begin to do so. Between the reports and everything else I’ve been having to do with my new duties, I should really become better about it. So that is what this will be an effort towards that. If anyone finds this and reads it… you had better not laugh or I will track you down and punch you.

I have noticed some of my old tendencies coming back lately, that previous paragraph being a big part of that. I’ve found myself swearing every now and then. I was trying not to, because it isn’t proper, but on the front sometimes you just don’t care to watch your mouth, there isn’t a reason to do so. And there have been times where I’ve had my anger rear it’s ugly head. That has ever been a struggle for me. I’ve largely had it under control, but there are times it comes back. Ariel has a hard time believing that there is that side of me. I hope that he never ends up seeing it, I would rather I don’t end up seeing it again. But sometimes when the irritations build, my temper gets short and I just snap.

Speaking of irritations. There is a rumor about me now. I guess in a way I should find it as a sign of praise, I’m important enough to spread rumors about. Yet it irritates me, because it isn’t about anything I am doing as far as work, but is instead about my marriage banns.  Lots of silly talk about how soon it is and Katarina being a widow already. Bad things happen and from all I’ve heard of her ex, he was an asshole and in the end he probably had it coming.

And anyway, don’t the people in the capital of all places understand that noble marriages are hardly the same as a Freeman’s marriage? The fact that I waited so many months to find a wife should be the more surprising thing. I’m not getting any older and I need heirs. I am fond of her, I care for her. She’s been rather amazing to me since I arrived here. I think our marriage will be a good one, that it will grow into a close knit bond. I think we are starting off knowing each other better than most noble marriages do.

Yule has arrived here finally. I fear that I am the absolute worst person at Yule, especially with my laughable finances. I feel so silly sometimes with the gifts that I am managing to give out to people, especially with some of the gifts I have received. Thankfully the people I have given gifts to haven’t seemed upset. Either they truly aren’t or they are very good at hiding it, either way I am relieved.  Some of my gifts for others have been delayed due to circumstance,s but hopefully they will understand. Most of the big and important gifts are there already settled anyway.

The first Royal Council was held recently as well. That was an experience as well. I hope that I performed well for it. I’ve never attended anything like that and I cannot deny the flutter of nervousness in my stomach as I spoke during it. I felt like a fresh page handling a sword for the first time before a crowd. I just threw myself into it. And oh the topics we discussed… I’ve been tossing and turning over the debate we had, praying that we made the right choices… I still don’t know that we did, not for sure, but we are committed, I am committed to it for I cannot see another way.

Finally, I’ve moved out of Katarina’s estate and into the palace into one set of suites and then into another. It is… absurdly large really and I will need to adjust the suites, redecorate it, but some of the design elements I just like and it has the things I need. I think I am going to turn the library into a half a library and half an armory. I will have to consult with Ariel about redecorating it, see what he thinks about it.

The bells are ringing, it seems there is to be a cleansing, I must go. I wonder who it will be…