I can’t shake the feeling that was an entirely wasted bout of honesty, but at least I tried. I owed Cellan that much, after managing to upset her so badly.
I’m feeling that old familiar urge to just go bury my head in the sand somewhere. Just when I thought things were improving with Lien, she goes Southside twice in a day? And this mess with Bryne, having to doubt even his honesty… it hurts. Just like I told Marisa, I can’t reconcile being suspicious with caring about someone. How can you care when you can’t trust?
And the rumors. Arien, the rumors. I can’t give the gossipers the satisfaction of showing it, but I’m so hurt and humiliated I could -happily- flog whoever’s behind it. I thought that maybe now, at last, these kind of intimations would stop swirling around me… these suggestions that someone like me could never gain anything he didn’t screw out of someone.
But now it’s worse than ever. My title of all things, supposedly bought with my body? And both Cellan and Tobin being besmirched in this way… it’s shameful. It’s shameful and unfair that their reign should be tarred with this slander because they chose to grant me this honor.
What I said to de Laerne is spinning around my head. Treated like scum, again and again. And all the titles and honors in the world are no protection.
I should fight back, but how? Rumors are like water, they simply run through your fingers, and the tighter you try to grasp the more they scatter. Like love too, really, or respect. You can’t force it. But if all the things I’ve genuinely done aren’t what people think of when they talk of me, what can I do about it?
…at least I still have her. Our love becoming the sane, calm touchstone at the center of my life… this is what I always dreamed about before, when things between us were difficult. At times I despaired, but I’m so glad that we never gave up. We made tough choices, hard compromises, and we kept fighting to keep our love alive, and this was our reward. We understand each other, we know what we can live with and without, and we haven’t quarreled in months.
I’ve nearly cheered myself up again just writing that paragraph. Perhaps I should go see her and tell her about everything, ask for her advice. She’s always got something useful to say.
