I’m so hung over right now, I… don’t even know. I was doing so well, too. It’d been months since I last drank myself unconscious. Can’t start thinking I’m a functional human being, I guess.
I keep staring at Lien’s letter. I should reply. But what should I say?
“No, I wouldn’t have reacted like you did, not for this secret. Your secrets have never been like mine.” True but uselessly nasty.
“I’m sorry for having no idea what you needed.” True but… hardly fixes anything. Went about it all wrong. But she deserves an explanation of -why-… that I don’t know if I can give in a letter.
My brain just… shut down, everything just shut down. Well, no. I was still thinking. What shut down was my feelings in some desperate last-ditch attempt to keep me calm that ultimately failed anyway.
I keep thinking of all the things she said. It never will just be ‘in the past’, will it? It changed the course of my life in every way. Everyone else involved could be dead and it wouldn’t matter; I’ll carry it on my back to my grave, every step of the way.
I’ll just… have to talk to her. Have to explain. She says I don’t have to, but I do. No more secrets, I guess. I know it’ll change everything, knowing all that I’ve been and done. But if she’s going to spurn me, it’s better to get it over with now. Rejection is best done quickly and decisively, I know that.
