1/4/367
Another year, the sixteenth turn of the Sun Cycle I have observed here in Lithmore. It is always a reflective time for me, the New Year, where I sit back and think of what I’ve weathered and how I might improve.
365 was the most painful year of my life, but 366 was not so bad. Busy, yes, but productively so. I do believe I’ve found my footing in the post-Regency stage of my life. At times I miss politics, but rather less than I thought I would. The need to compromise with selfishness, with ambition, with all forms of petty evil… I’m glad that’s largely gone from my life. I need not play nicely with people I despise.
And speaking of that, journal, I shall vent on your pages a time…
Levona misused his power in the pursuit of all sorts of personal vendettas, and now he has the gall to pretend he was a good leader removed by noble whim? Arien. I’m not even the one who started the campaign to have him removed; I merely backed it after much thought and hesitation.
Why did he even come to speak to me? I thought at first he meant to apologize and admit his misuse of his power, and I would have warmly accepted it. Instead, he came speaking vague words that suggested -he- was the one who couldn’t trust -me- and -I- had to make an accounting for myself? It reminds me of Julea, in a way, the way he seemed to think I had ‘turned on him’, just as she did when her heresy was revealed. This perception of betrayal… I don’t understand it. How could they see it that way? The world should not run on traded favors, on obligations and balance sheets; it should run on people who have good intentions doing whatever they can to aid others with good intentions. When someone masquerades as good and is revealed as evil, switching from supporting them to opposing them is not throwing away some balance book, it is doing what’s right. Really, the betrayal lies on the shoulders of the person who dared masquerade as someone worth supporting.
I thought he understood the importance of station and upholding the system of respect and precedence. I thought he had Lithmore’s safety and protection as his first and foremost priority. I was wrong. How many times have I been betrayed that way? To ally with someone, to make a tentative connection on the strength of their seeming goodness, only to find in time that they are power-hungry, or selfish, or heretical. Madilaire, Bryne, Julea… I cannot even begin to count them on the personal level, let alone the professional. Of course, Levona wasn’t -that- bad. I have no reason to think him a heretic, only a man unable to separate his personal feelings and goals from his professional power.
Sometimes I find myself wondering if my standards are too high. Should I have simply tolerated him using his power to try and persecute Tomas? He was not doing a terribly successful job at it. But evil is like a bruise. If you can see even a little of it, it is likely there is far more just beneath the surface, waiting to come out. How much did I find about Alphos when I probed deeper, after all? Much and much and more of foulness, the further I went.
And I know the nature of a man based on how he reacts to my past. Yes, I sinned. But those sins were confessed and expiated twice over before they were ever revealed to the world, and they had naught to do with my rise through society. No good man, no good Davite, has reason to taunt me with them. That he did, despite his own unsavory deeds… says a great deal about the pettiness of his soul.
There is a certain loneliness that comes from a history of disappointment. I allow people into my trust, but always carefully, always conditionally. Waiting to see if they really are what they seem. I cannot give my faith wholly to anyone. Even Tomas has let me down, though he faced his sins unflinchingly, admitted them, and sought to make amends. That’s all I would ask of anyone; perfection is impossible. So why is it so hard? Why do people justify and defend themselves instead of simply admitting they were acting wrongly? If he had just admitted it I would have thought the bloody world of him!
…Why do I keep thinking of Julea? It’s been so very long since she died, and she never would have admitted anything. I had to confront her with her own heresy, first. Arien, she was so ambitious. She wanted the world. I ignored every warning sign of it, ignored her desire to wear red and silks, to go to Court, the way she rejected the outfit I had made for her so she could bare more flesh. I was so young, and so stupid, and yet I don’t know if I’m truly smarter now – or simply more bitter. After all, I’ve doubted Emma ab Courtland again and again, when in reality there has been no evidence to suggest she was remotely culpable in her misfortunes. Is it better to mistrust even the good than it is to trust even the bad? When you are a Knight, perhaps.
Ah, well.
For all this ranting, I do remain largely happy and hopeful for the new year before me. The Almshouse expansion and infirmary is a great triumph, and I look forward to seeing how many people it can help. The lengths to which I’ve had to go to ensure the supplies are safe leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but better this than theft and rioting, and so far the supply distribution has been utterly peaceful. I have good hopes the season will be no more painful than any other, and possibly even less given the efficiency of the rationing system. I’ve my ruffle charity money to invest once the winter’s over, in some project; that’ll be a pleasant bonus. The Physicians are well-funded from the charity auction, and well-staffed. The Knights’ ranks are slowly swelling; I must ensure more lessons for the pages and squires, and to finish my book.
What is better than a life lived with purpose and intent?