Songs of Experience

First the water, then the fire.

The smoke of the corpsefires has been rising to the sky steadily since the waters receded. A foul haze hangs about our city like a filthy halo of palpable stench. Much of what is being burned now is hardly recognizable as human flesh any longer, merely decaying slime ripe with putrefaction. But it must be burned all the same, for health, for human dignity.

Dignity? What am I even saying? I pay them five silver a body to burn them; I have gotten messengers asking how much to pay when it is unclear how many bodies a certain wheelbarrow or barrel of remains used to be.

My soul is sick within me. I know the Lord does not control our actions; He gave us free will so that we could achieve greatness by living according to His word. If we didn’t have the ability to choose evil, there could be no goodness in our hearts – only an existence of meaningless and empty perfection.

There is no one to blame for the hideous evil perpetrated by Laraxis and her demons but Laraxis herself. But I still want to ask – why? Why did this happen? Why were we so unable to prevent it, or to end it sooner? Why is such misery even possible?

There is no time to wallow in such questions, to let myself be lost to fear or doubt. It is far more important to look after the living than to grieve uselessly for the dead. It would be indulgence of the worst sort to allow horror to dog my footsteps, to slow me down in my efforts to relieve the miseries of Southside.

But I am still gripped at times with a numb disbelief that seizes my soul with more force than any conventional pain. I think of what the priestess said to me, her last words – “Save Lithmore, op Orban”, she asked of me.

And I couldn’t.

Oh, we turned back the flood waters, banished the demons, killed the mage… but I couldn’t even save the priestess herself, and the dead burn silently, numberless as the stars in the sky.

I wish I’d known her name.

Lien,

Let me start by saying that first off, I love you too, and that if I make a muck of this guardian thing sometimes it’s not because I don’t care.

I’ve thought about the situation some more, and though I don’t like it to say the least, you really cannot sing to him at the burning – but may visit Eriit in the tower if 1) the Order approves and 2) I come with you.

Being a noble comes not only with privileges but also responsibilities, and one of those is to uphold a proper image. Singing a song to a commoner mage boy when he’s on his pyre is not something I can in good conscience let you do. Your reputation is under constant assault because of your activities in the Southside, and this would do nothing but fan the fires. If you wish to sing to him in the cell, I will play for you.

I must ask that in general you be more careful of your reputation, at least for Her Royal Majesty’s sake if you care not for your own. As a member of the Court, what you do reflects on her, and she is feeling troubled and embattled at the moment. I barely managed to buy off some rumormongers in time to stop a story that you were a prostitute employed at the Happy Harem; I did not manage to stop rumors that you’re addicted to the sugar cubes and that you’re sleeping with all of Southside. Please, just… be careful.

And don’t worry about Bryne. He and I are alright; he understands why it needed to happen, and I don’t think our friendship is going to suffer unduly from it. I didn’t kick him out solely as a punishment, but also to lessen any chance of temptation between the two of you – what with your bedrooms being right around the corner from each other.

I just want you to be happy, Lien, I truly do. Taking drugs, playing with boys, running away, getting in fights or getting drunk… none of these things truly cure unhappiness. They dull the pain for a little while, and you can get into a slump where you think that’s the same thing. But eventually it all wears off, and you’re left with the same problems you had before – only often worse because of whatever you did while drunk or high.

To truly be happy, you have to figure out what it is you want and enjoy in life, and what it is that you don’t. We’ve talked of finding you a husband, but we’ve never talked of finding you a vocation. Granted, as a noble, there are many things it would be inappropriate for you to pursue – but there are also many things that would be fine. I think it might be helpful for you to have a constructive aim in life, and it would give you a skillset of some sort that would be useful when it comes time for you to rule Strongjaw. We can talk about this in person, but think about it?

Still your guardian,
-Ari

I can’t shake the feeling that was an entirely wasted bout of honesty, but at least I tried. I owed Cellan that much, after managing to upset her so badly.

I’m feeling that old familiar urge to just go bury my head in the sand somewhere. Just when I thought things were improving with Lien, she goes Southside twice in a day? And this mess with Bryne, having to doubt even his honesty… it hurts. Just like I told Marisa, I can’t reconcile being suspicious with caring about someone. How can you care when you can’t trust?

And the rumors. Arien, the rumors. I can’t give the gossipers the satisfaction of showing it, but I’m so hurt and humiliated I could -happily- flog whoever’s behind it. I thought that maybe now, at last, these kind of intimations would stop swirling around me… these suggestions that someone like me could never gain anything he didn’t screw out of someone.

But now it’s worse than ever. My title of all things, supposedly bought with my body? And both Cellan and Tobin being besmirched in this way… it’s shameful. It’s shameful and unfair that their reign should be tarred with this slander because they chose to grant me this honor.

What I said to de Laerne is spinning around my head. Treated like scum, again and again. And all the titles and honors in the world are no protection.

I should fight back, but how? Rumors are like water, they simply run through your fingers, and the tighter you try to grasp the more they scatter. Like love too, really, or respect. You can’t force it. But if all the things I’ve genuinely done aren’t what people think of when they talk of me, what can I do about it?

…at least I still have her. Our love becoming the sane, calm touchstone at the center of my life… this is what I always dreamed about before, when things between us were difficult. At times I despaired, but I’m so glad that we never gave up. We made tough choices, hard compromises, and we kept fighting to keep our love alive, and this was our reward. We understand each other, we know what we can live with and without, and we haven’t quarreled in months.

I’ve nearly cheered myself up again just writing that paragraph. Perhaps I should go see her and tell her about everything, ask for her advice. She’s always got something useful to say.

I’ve been such an arse.

Both Lien and Jei trying to court each other only because they both thought I had my mind set on it? I’ve caused all kinds of pain to two people I consider like family because I got carried away with some stupid romantic idea that ‘oh, wouldn’t they be great together?’

And they both cared for me enough they went along with it despite being clearly incompatible, and I’ve hurt the both of them through it and made Jei doubt our friendship. When will I learn not to -meddle-?

Sure, Jei seems lonely, and sure, Lien could use an advantangeous proper marriage to settle her down, but I should have been able to see what everyone else did, that it was a bad idea. It makes it worse that they went along with it because of their regard for me, a regard I’ve abused by being an insufferable fatheaded idiot.

And now Lien evidently wants to go back to consorting with either the idiot Stirke or the utterly foul Saoishe or maybe both at the same time, how should I know? Though if she thinks Jei is worse than Saoishe she’s beyond blind. Still, I’m the one who’s driven her right back to them. And it’s clear she’s manipulating me to high heaven to get the truth out of me, and yet I can’t do anything but give it to her, no matter how much danger it puts me in.

…So I say “things are going so well, something has to go wrong!” and this is what I get.

Bene’s dead, and probably as much of his own choosing as anything else. Jei’s clearly hurt by me having to divert my resources to backing the King rather than him, and any attempt to fix that would result in hurting someone else terribly or forfeiting the one promise I made to the King in return for my title. Not to mention this whole courting debacle, which is evidently my own fault. Things with Lien have flared up AGAIN. Bryne and I had that massive quarrel over something I didn’t even do, and I don’t know if he even grasps that flogging someone for disrespect can ever be justified.

It’s so frustrating. I keep thinking some day I’ll stop messing everything up, but even when I have the best intentions, it all goes wrong. It’s probably good I turned down the position. Lithmore would probably be on fire by now if I hadn’t.

Well, time to probably get myself killed by trusting my duplicitous ward.

I am the Baron of Savir. It feels so unreal, even as I’m staring down at the signet ring on my finger – cast in gold. Ariel le Orban… I don’t suppose ‘Ari’ is really very appropriate, now. A shame, but Marisa’s almost managed to get me used to Ariel.

There’s so much that I have to do right now, a nigh-endless list of tasks and duties to balance and carry out. But I feel… great.

Yeah, I feel great. Fantastic. Wonderful. Everything is coming out so well. I’ve been granted a title, as I dared wish but not truly hope for. I have a full slate of satisfying projects to keep me busy. The Group is flourishing, and is likely to benefit from access to Savir’s trade route into Farin. Lien seems to have come around, and is behaving wonderfully. Yule’s approaching, and for the first time I really have what feels like a whole family to trade gifts with. I’m a man of substance and worth in the Kingdom, as acknowledged by the King himself. And of course, other things I shouldn’t go into are better than ever.

In fact, I’m so happy something is bound to go wrong soon.

Hmmm. No, you know what that is, that’s stupid thinking. And clearly I haven’t gotten this far with stupid thinking. …Okay, well, sometimes I engage in stupid thinking. But not often. Probably.

…Anyway, the point is. I’m not going to tarnish this wonderful bliss I’m feeling right now by second-guessing it. Things are genuinely great, and likely getting better. I have an intimate, cozy little Yule party to plan with my “family”, and I’m going to focus on that. Um, once all the business is done.

Also, I’m the Baron of Savir.

That’s still incredibly awesome!

ohArien why’d I do that I fel totally terrrible i just threw up like5 times. i THINK it mustbe over now and I canjust slep. Hope Lien doesnt tel anybody everybody would be sopissed specially HER. sposed to be smrt respo..sicblne person now. I FEEL REALLY BAD THAT WAS SO DUM

I’m trying not to talk about it, not even to think about it, in case it doesn’t happen. Lord knows it’s fallen through before.

But I have to say, the suspense is killing me. Let them still have enough faith in me. Let my deeds outweigh my mistakes. This could be the answer to all my doubt and uncertainty; I know that it would be enough. All of my problems, solved in a single stroke, and I would repay them with all the strength and loyalty I possess. I would do well. I know I would.

What haunts me almost more than the mere possibility of hearing no is the implications… the knowledge that my choice would have cost me the only chance I had. If they say no, that -is- what it means.

That I have ruined their trust in me irrevocably.

My life’s been turned upside down all over again. You’d think, at this point, I’d be used to it enough to stop stubbornly holding on to any conception of which way is which. But no, things are normal for periods that are just long enough, between the insanity, that I start feeling settled. And then…

I have a -ward-. I suppose that technically she’s an adult, so I’m not actually her guardian, but age is just a number. In the ways that matter, she’s clearly still a child. Bratty, self-focused… rather endearing in her own way, but.

It’s clear she needs some kind of mature, responsible adult in her life looking after her and guiding her toward making the right choices. Do I know…  anything about being a mature, responsible adult? Oh, boy.

On a different note… my god, Bene. I can’t believe what happened to him. It’s almost too terrible for words, and so pointless. What did she think she could accomplish by it, anyway? A waste of her life, and a horrific brutality. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sight of him like that… it’s a wonder he was able to smile when he woke up.

The Lord grants us free will so that our choice to worship him or not is meaningful, but at times I am sickened enough by people’s actions that I wonder if it’s worth it.

Traitors everywhere. Lithmore is corrupt down to its bones. I, like an idiot, believed in so many of them. Now I pay the price for being so credulous. I asked her if she thought me a fool. She said no, but she meant yes.

And I can’t do anything about it, any of it. I watch evil happen, and recognize I am powerless. They all thought me a fool, no doubt… and they were right.

They deserve everything she’s going to do to them.