I need to stop writing entries in my diary when piss drunk.
That last one is a cringeworthy overreaction. Maybe I don’t know if this guardian thing is working out; maybe we need another solution. Maybe she said something thoughtless and it hurt me. That doesn’t mean it’s some kind of betrayal, or that she’s terrible, or that things are hopeless.
There are times I solely wish I was calmer… times I would trade the absolute bliss I feel sometimes, in order to moderate the pain. If one does not rise as high, the fall is not so long.
But I am who I am, and I know of no way to change such a thing. So dwelling is pointless; drinking less might be a good start, though.
I’ll figure out what to do about Lien when she returns.
Right now I’m just lying in bed coming down off the mandrake. Broken nose, fractured cheekbone, a multitude of small bruises… not enough to keep me bedridden, but enough to ensure everything hurts. The doctors are hopeful my cheekbone will heal in the right position; I did not tell them I hardly care. I think about what I told Flewelling… I don’t mean it as much as I once did, but I wouldn’t mind losing a little of my looks.
Flewelling… that is a horror that is going to haunt me for a while. Fresh off finally beginning to forget the corpsefires; my life has good timing. Her words were… sad and insane and incorrect. I was surprised by how little her castigations hurt me, perhaps because I’ve largely healed, perhaps because she’d clearly lost all touch with reality. But it is never a -pleasant- thing to watch somebody take a blade to themselves. And none of it had to be this way.
I screwed up. I really did this time. Where was my usual cool? I should have been able to act more normal, to call in the Knights without raising her suspicion. But the armor, and the ship and everything… I didn’t want to believe it.
What madness and pain rises from these things. What heresy from love. At times like this it is easy to see nothing but the darkness of the world, with even beautiful things being twisted. But some people stay strong, and it’s for them that I choose to keep fighting.
