Songs of Experience

I think I’m normal again.

…Whoah, okay Ari, back that up a step. I was never ‘normal’, and I’ll never be.

But… women.

I knew that my disinterest wasn’t natural, but was thanks to everything that’s happened. Still, even though I’ve gotten better, I think I’d assumed it wouldn’t go any further. And I was alright with that. I’ve never had any problem with the one I want; she’s always been different. Not being attracted to anyone else wasn’t even an inconvenience. If anything it was probably helpful, once I got over cringing every time a woman touched me.

But lately I’ve felt… more at ease. Since Lien came into my life, I guess, and was always hugging me and sitting in my lap and crawling into my bed and whatnot. …That sounds bad, when I write it down. But it’s just who she is, really, and not that uncommon in Tubori. I used to be pretty physically affectionate myself before… everything.

Anyway, I got over the flinching soon enough. And then I got over even the reaction that would have caused me to flinch. And I expected it’d stay there, in a place of calmness but total disinterest. But it hasn’t.

I actually looked at Sophie’s breasts the other day. Okay, granted, they were unclothed and in my face. But frankly, a lot of breasts have been in my face and I haven’t thought twice about them.

…what the hell has gone wrong (or right?) with my life that I could write that sentence?

Anyway! I looked at them. I even appreciated them a little. And then there was that really weird moment with Lien. I still don’t understand what happened there.

The point is, I think I’m normal again. I can be attracted to other women who aren’t her. I can imagine being with other women who aren’t her without the… discomfort, the… oh, be honest with yourself, Ari. The fear. I still don’t -want- anybody but her; I love her, I always will, and I’ve turned the world upside down to have her. But I’m normal again. I ought to speak with her.

I’d probably better not tell her I looked at Sophie’s brea

(in a different, agitated hand) My god. My god. A messenger came while I was writing. Tobin dead? Truly? I can’t believe it. He was as strong as an ox. Damn, damn, damn. I can’t imagine how Cellan must be feeling.

This could mean war. I doubt it, Tobin won the throne because Cellan told us to back him. She was always the better-loved and more-supported monarch. But there will be those who think her weak, a grieving woman, and seek to act. Anschel ab Loguire must be watched. And… the Daravi front…

Arien. I won’t bother her for a couple days – let her grieve. But then, we have to move.