Am I losing my mind?
Ever since the shadow touched me, it feels as if everything I see is viewed through a veil of darkness. I should be happy. I have what I wanted most in the world, and more beside. I am noble, rich, successful, respected, Courting the most incomparable woman in the Realm.
And I was happy, the happiest I’ve ever been. For such a brief shining time.
I haven’t heard anything from Bryne. I think he got my letter… and he ran.
All I can think about is my sins and my mistakes. It’s overwhelming me again… like the water over my head I wrote about before, except this time it’s blood choking me. Even the things that I had to do to save souls feel like regrets now. Lord, I am no Knight, no Inquisitor; I am too weak to bear these burdens. Knowing I brought them to salvation is precious little comfort.
The day I’m too weak to help save a soul is the day I should go to the pyre myself for my monstrous selfishness. But I fear I’m coming undone and I don’t even understand why. Why do I feel so filthy? I’ve bathed again and again, several times a day. My hands are cracked and my skin sore from all this scrubbing but it doesn’t help. I thought Caria would help, but those penances aren’t remotely enough. I just need to feel clean.
Arien. What I’ve just written… I reread it and – I’m losing it. Why? Nothing’s even -happened-. What did that mage do to me?
No. It doesn’t matter. I can’t go mad. Not when I’m needed, appreciated. Not when I finally have her.
Do you hear that, mage? Can you read these words, or my thoughts? Know this: I’ve faced darker creatures than you and they are dead and gone, while I’m still here on this Urth mostly in one piece. Whatever you did to me, I will defeat it and emerge stronger than before.
I will make up for my mistakes, somehow, someday. I will. There must be a way out.
