It’s the middle of the night, actually, so if you want to be particular about it I suppose it’s no day at all. I hate people who engage in that kind of excessively literal thinking.
I couldn’t sleep, so here I am in my study, ruminating about things far beyond me. But the truth of the matter is that something has to be done. Somebody has to make sure that people are held accountable.
I detest the choice that I’m facing. I am not comfortable betting on myself for such large stakes. I am tolerably clever, I suppose; I am reasonably well-educated and quick to become more so. I am not afraid to say what I mean and to enforce my opinions with whatever power I have at my disposal, but I think I consider the words of others before making my decisions.
But is that enough? Do I have the talent, the will; have I earned the respect? Am I wise enough to know the answers – more importantly, am I wise enough to know when I know nothing? I don’t know. The story of my life is a long list of follies barely escaped by the width of a hair, the breadth of a nail. I have so many flaws, and I’ve made so many mistakes. I know that I want to do what’s best, but I don’t know if I deserve the trust they want to place in me.
And even if I in and of myself am sufficient, am I good enough to outweigh the impersonal disadvantages that accompany me? Even she doesn’t think so, and no one is likely to judge me more kindly. Yet they’re right; they need someone, and who else can and will do it? I have my reservations about any of the other answers that come to mind. If she were interested, it’d be different, but she is already doing good work where she is. No, as unsure as I am about myself, I’m hard-pressed to nominate someone better once all the contextual factors are figured in.
To find yourself in a situation where you have only bad choices is rarely poor luck; it is more often a direct reflection of personal failure, whether to plan ahead or to take a superior third option.
I refuse to be a failure.
