(This entry is written in a wild, angry hand.)
At times I wonder how much more betrayal I can take.
I have been the Order’s faithful servant for years. With subterfuge, strategems and even outright lies I have advanced the goal of sending all of Lithmore’s mages to the pyre as far as practically anyone else who lives in this city.
But why should I hold back my quill, shy from details? The Manus knows now, that much is confirmed. Let them find my journal; let them read it if they can break my cipers. Let them know.
Yes, Rubeus. Yes, I sent Madilaire to her grave (and I mourn it; she should have had the pyre). I sent Chance, and Arvin. I told them of Eriit, then told them again and induced others to report when better evidence was provided to me. Julea reported on Leto Bharani to get back into my good graces. I told Bryne if he suspected Setina how he could best ferret out the truth, and that strategy succeeded. I helped to arrest Qadriyya ab Harkness once, saved her life for them so she could be questioned, then assembled the evidence needed for her second warrant when all others dismissed it. I stopped Florense ab Flewelling in full plate armor until the Inquisitors could arrive. I impressed it on… her, that Magnus Alaric must be turned in.
I have played informant at great lengths and great difficulty. I have been imprisoned, tortured, scorned. I have bled, bruised, suffered. My tongue and my blade and my very body have been laid on His altar to do His work.
And they spy on me. After assurances of perfect faith, perfect trust? They spy on me. To think that I was such a fool to assume that my service would afford me some true honor and respect.
Lord, I love you with all my heart and soul, but your servants begin to tax me. Two corrupt Cardinals, one who abdicated his office, and now one whose judgment is so fatally flawed she wastes a spy on a man who has ever been on her side.
Part of me wants to say no more. Not abandoning my faith – but no longer trying so hard on their behalf. Why should I aid them when she lies to my face? Why should I try to protect people that continually backstab me? I can name my true friends on the fingers of one hand.
But I know I can’t just pretend this fight has nothing to do with me. This is who I am, and this is everyone’s battle. If mages die uncleansed, they are lost forever, wandering in the darkness. And in the time they do live on this Urth, they can do uncountable damage. Laraxis and the Great Flood testify to that. Elowyn was so powerful; what evils did I prevent by bringing her down?
No; I have lost all respect for and trust in Her Holiness, but that does not make the mission itself less valid. It only means I will be very careful before relying on her judgment… and I must be cautious about the Rubeus’s attack on me. I wasn’t concerned when he tried it on Lien, because of course Lien knows I’m not a mage and Her Holiness promised me she wouldn’t believe it. But if she put a spy in my own household… then it is possible his words are what inspired it.
Ugh. It’s such a transparent strategem. The Rubeus can’t take me down directly so he tries to get the Order to do it for him. That I should have to fight it at all angers me. But I have been beset before by enemies; I will not let my name be blackened.
And I will continue to fight the good fight, should every last person in this city oppose me.
