These hours have been a blur, as if the world has passed me by in an instant. Yet, each second seems like an eternity now.. and my face is beginning to show it. I sit on this Cathedra, wear the robes, and look out upon so many faces everyday. I’ve seen demons, I’ve seen mages, I’ve looked sin in the face and defeated it time and time again. Yet, no day has been so hard as today.
And to think it began with something so innocent, morning prayer, time with the Acolytes, Synod work, Synod work, Synod work.. and then I was off for the little bit of rest I deserved, a chance to masquerade as someone else if only for a moment. And yet, there I was, faced with that conflict which has rent me so much of late.. there I was, again dancing on a dream. And we shared that one moment, that brief second in time..
And even as I drew that breath, even as I slipped away, anguished, confused.. I felt oddly pleasant as if, somehow, somewhere, life would resolve itself. The Lord would console me. Somehow, it would work for the best, somehow..
My soul is heavy and I’ve seen pain. I knew not how much it would hurt to see you there. Yet, I had to. God, You know how much I hate that place.
And here I am. All the conflicts of this life, of this office, seem now to come crashing down. The Cathedral itself offers no solace now. I kneel at the altar and for a moment, I feel safe.. but it passes, I must venture out. Oh, how life can go from a stable structure to broken ruins so quickly.
God shall save you, He’ll keep your soul and renew it.. no matter what comes.
Yet, I cannot know if He’ll give me the same. I pray He does.
O Lord, why do I feel so alone? Are You not here?
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
…
And you can have it all,
My empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way.
