Tonight. I want a fight. A real one where blood spills and skin dis-colours. The fighting arena brought me no satisfaction. The pain in my chest is back full force and it seems little has the ability to diminish it.
At least, nothing like physical pain can. I want it to consume me, so the hurt inside is just a little bit less, so that it makes life a little more bearable.
In truth? I feel guilty. Like my actions somehow betrayed him.
Breathe. Julea breathe.
One kiss does not make you forget how to draw breath.
Does it?
My lips part and air draws in quickly in,
But I still find myself gasping for air?
To be so unravelled, so undone at the merest touch.
I lose myself.
Or perhaps he is finding me?
Regardless, my blood approves.
And kisses are a better fate than wisdom.
Can the Owl feel my fury? See my blood as it boils in my veins?! How frustrating to not get the satisfaction of finding my flesh connecting with his. How embarrassing. My rage obscures. I miss. His betrayal hurts me like no-other. Surprising. Shocking even. I miss him. I truly don’t like sleeping alone. His presence alone is enough to fend off the hanging nightmares that plague my dreams.
Perhaps the Wolf is right. They are Lithmorran. They can never hope to understand. They will betray. Lie. Not to be trusted. But who then? Where can my loyalties lie ? Who is worthy of my trust?
The Ox loathes me. And still, I can’t help shaking off the want that I don’t want to want.
The Rat turns his back to me, eager to learn how to fly. I drag him down. I let him go. Maybe it will be good to see if he can soar.
The Snake. Oh, the snake. You are another kettle of fish altogether. I really don’t know what to do, or make of you. Slippery. I want to push you. Test you. Play with you.
The Bird. You lend me your secrets. And you bear mine. Neither of us looking at each other quite the same. Tip-toeing around each other now, both wishing we had never said a word. Wondering if the other will betray.
Wolf in sheeps clothing. I still wonder what manner of creature you are. I think I know. I wonder if you know I know? I am a little scared.
My nomadic mind.
It can’t think straight.
The wine made it worse.
But there was just a little taste..
Truly I am not drunk. (I can’t be)
But my silent protest.
At the world.
And all of those around me.
At myself.
And the injustice of it all.
Goes un-noticed.
I bleed out.
Meow?
It is like only half of me exists now. That without your weight beside me, I’m spinning off to an oblivion in a chaotic whirlwind that threatens to take me and everything around me down with it. I reach out with grabbing hands trying to catch what ever thread that would give my existence some meaning, only to feel each one shatter in my grasp. And now, there is nothing left. No one that understands. No one that cares.
I make the daily motions. I feel the rage rising within me but it is like I’m not truly a part of it. I steer my course, take the most dangerous path which will lead me ever closer to once again being in your arms.
I wonder what you would do if you could see me now. Would you be raging with me? Would you enforce me?
Thank Dav for the pain. It is the one thing (almost) that keeps that unbearable at bay. That stops me sliding that knife across my wrist and letting it all bleed out.
I would give up every thing, every man, every coin, every piece of red for just one more minute. Just one more kiss. One more dance.
