Lien le Storm

My first time leaving Orban House by the shuttered window from my darkly appointed bedroom rather than the front door. But there are servants and well, I did not want them to notice and possibly alert my brother ahead of my departure. Not that he sleeps in his bed tonight, or at least, he had not yet come home when I last checked and left a few things for him to find later. And so, that saw me hanging onto the balcony precariously with one hand and my suitcase slung over my shoulder with the other. Eyeing the ground below, there really was nothing for it but to jump. Without both hands, navigating down the guttering wasn’t going to be possible.

Normally I’d of been able to with ease, but since the injuries acquired during the flood, such sharp movements still caused me some pain and I was loathe to put myself purposefully through any of that again. Still, there was nothing for it, and I leaped, landing with a grunt in a crouch, the suitcase set before me on the grass.

I stood and looked back at the house, and as always, I was not able to control the tears that started to fall. When I left, it was at a run, fearful if I slowed down, just for a second, I’d change my mind.

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My timing was perfect. Well, perhaps I was a little on the late side, but the carriage hadn’t left without me so that is the main thing. I passed my now worn black suitcase to one of the grooms who strapped it to the top and with the aid of one of the attendants I stepped up and inside the small ornate room. I had paid extra, and would be travelling alone and for that I was grateful. There was no one to see my tears as I watched Lithmore City grow smaller and smaller through the window as we headed off Northwards. Soon, I got used to the slow rocking of the carriage and I curled up and slept.

All Ari and I seem to do lately is fight. And anything I do seems to make it worse, not better. I can’t seem to do anything right. And so, as I always do, I run away. Hide, but this time not to Southside, not to the falls or to the Palace. This time much further afield and I wonder what will await me there. I miss home. I miss having friends. I want to stop it hurting so much. I hate feeling like an outsider all the time, no matter what I do. And yet, I want people to like me as I am for who I am. I don’t want to have to pretend. Not to the people I care about and love. How can I be Noble and Tubori in Lithmore and not lose myself completely? At least my Brother does not think I’m likely barren. I guess that’s good. Still a deformed terrible bad person though.

Given I can’t swim, I used to think that drowning would be the worst possible way to die, but I’ve changed my mind. I think death-by-mage would be just as bad, if not worse, particularly when accompanied by a vortex-of-doom. I admit, I’m a little bit scared. I don’t know anything about sheep, I have no idea what sheep hooves look like much less a ram. What is a ram anyways? A big sheep? Why not just call it a big sheep? My recently promoted brother, assures me I’m in no danger of a death-by-mage, but I don’t like to take any chances. I think I need a bigger sword.

I guess I got my apology. Except, well. It didn’t exactly make me feel any better. Mostly a lot worse. No one has ever spoken to me like that before much less written. I don’t know if writing somehow makes it worse. When you say something, sometimes.. you speak without meaning. The words just come out of your mouth and they’re not always intended. When you write.. and then seal a letter and send it off to the couriers, well. There is.. an intent there, a purpose. You’ve had time to think, write and get what you want to say right before you send it off. And so he meant it. Every last curse word. He meant it. That is what he thinks about me. That is what he feels.

My brother has seen it, but no one else yet. I feel almost ashamed of it. Maybe I should not of told Jei. Or my brother. Then he would not of been kicked out and things would of just kept on going the way they were.

And now, I don’t know what to do. I want to run away, hide even. The desire to take off again for a bit is overwhelming and yet, tonight I sleep, or at least I will try to in my bed. I want to go back to Tubor, but a couple of people keep me here.

And speaking of one of those people, there’s now a problem with my courtship with Jei. Well, not that he’s done anything wrong, he’s been nice. Surprisingly. But the Queen, she said that if we marry one of us has to give up their title. And Jei can’t, and I can’t ask it of him. But.. I don’t know if I can either. Because then Sien gets Strongjaw and that’s.. her winning. That’s what she’s been trying to bully me into giving her for as long as I can remember. That’s like handing over a puppy to a lion. It’ll be destroyed. And whilst they might believe me here in Lithmore, whilst I might have support and sway here. Back home… I don’t think I will.

But I’m not giving up just yet, there may be other options but… it is hard. I feel like I have to give up everything as it is about me that makes me me. And now my title too? My land? My home? For Lithmore?

I promoted my cousin to brother. Really it was kind of overdue. He is like a brother to me, if not more. And even if I messed up his birthday dinner, the least I can do is give him family right? I hope he knows that I mean it, that I don’t say such things lightly. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to make it more real though. In Tubor it would just be accepted. But here in Lithmore, I will no doubt get funny looks for using it. Also, did you know Jei and I are courting again? For a few weeks now, it’s been.. better I think? He seems more serious about it, and doesn’t treat me as a joke. And I find I care for him a lot more this time, which makes me nervous. I could get really hurt. And that scares me. But I do not want to lose him either. He seems sad a lot lately, since he stepped down from the Knights and all that happened. I wish he was happier.

love Stormy.