I guess I got my apology. Except, well. It didn’t exactly make me feel any better. Mostly a lot worse. No one has ever spoken to me like that before much less written. I don’t know if writing somehow makes it worse. When you say something, sometimes.. you speak without meaning. The words just come out of your mouth and they’re not always intended. When you write.. and then seal a letter and send it off to the couriers, well. There is.. an intent there, a purpose. You’ve had time to think, write and get what you want to say right before you send it off. And so he meant it. Every last curse word. He meant it. That is what he thinks about me. That is what he feels.
My brother has seen it, but no one else yet. I feel almost ashamed of it. Maybe I should not of told Jei. Or my brother. Then he would not of been kicked out and things would of just kept on going the way they were.
And now, I don’t know what to do. I want to run away, hide even. The desire to take off again for a bit is overwhelming and yet, tonight I sleep, or at least I will try to in my bed. I want to go back to Tubor, but a couple of people keep me here.
And speaking of one of those people, there’s now a problem with my courtship with Jei. Well, not that he’s done anything wrong, he’s been nice. Surprisingly. But the Queen, she said that if we marry one of us has to give up their title. And Jei can’t, and I can’t ask it of him. But.. I don’t know if I can either. Because then Sien gets Strongjaw and that’s.. her winning. That’s what she’s been trying to bully me into giving her for as long as I can remember. That’s like handing over a puppy to a lion. It’ll be destroyed. And whilst they might believe me here in Lithmore, whilst I might have support and sway here. Back home… I don’t think I will.
But I’m not giving up just yet, there may be other options but… it is hard. I feel like I have to give up everything as it is about me that makes me me. And now my title too? My land? My home? For Lithmore?
