Losing Myself

Dearest Iuku,

I grow concerned… Over the last 5 years I have been within this infernal city, I feel as though it has adversely affected me. While it has certainly helped improve my power and influence, it has also, softened me. I feel myself looking upon heinous acts that I would delight in, only to be disgusted. The scum I used to view simply as items for my use, are now becoming objects with personalities. But worst of all, I find myself, in my weakest of moments, desiring the company of others than just yourself.

I’m worried Iuku. I’m worried of not only disappointing you, but worried that I will lose myself. Lose the cruelty and hatred that powered my actions. Worried that I will become just another gentrywoman, inseparable from the hordes of them that flock to this city.

I.. I don’t know what to do. Everyday I’m losing more of myself, and becoming someone I don’t recognize, yet I don’t have the foggiest clue how to undo the damages that have been done to me. Most nights I am forced to brew hopscalm just to ensure I am able to function the next day.

This uncertainty in what the future holds terrifies me more than any blade could. And I know why it does, as it will represent the ultimate failure. Failure to remain whom I am despite the world around me.

For the first time in my life Iuku, I am legitimately scared.

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