Is this what politics is? Meetings, over and over and over again. I think I’ve spent more time behind closed doors here than I have anywhere else before. Not that it is all bad, I really shouldn’t complain, it’s just so much of an adjustment. I am used to going for rides, walking, patrolling and getting outside. I can feel my muscles getting weaker, my coordination getting off. I completely embarrassed myself the times that I have sparred with people here. I felt the fool for it, but that’s stupid of me to think that way. It’s just foolish pride.
The meetings haven’t all been bad. It’s been educational. I feel like a child trying to learn to walk for the first time through so many of them. Especially meeting with the candidates for the Regency. Some of them are quite elegant and quite well spoken, you can tell how used they are to the trials of politics. Others… even I can tell that there are issues. I don’t wish any of them ill, but ever so slowly as I speak with them, I get an impression that I just don’t think that they would be suitable.
I don’t know how often I’ve been asked if i was to be a candidate. I couldn’t help but laugh the first time I was asked about that. Me a candidate? I have barely been Count of Vees for five months now. I don’t understand politics well enough in general as it is. Putting me up there would be a joke. I don’t desire the power at all, it doesn’t hold any sort of appeal to me. The only way I would ever consider such a thing is if there truly was no other candidate that I could support and that just isn’t the case. Even then I would struggle to reach such a solution.
I’ve had the future of Vees brought up to me several times. I am without an heir apparent. There are cousins that it could go to, if something were to happen to me, or my mother could take over for a time. I need to see about an heir before too long, it is important to my County that I do so. This is admittedly new to me. I’ve never concerned myself with romance or anything like that and am unsure of how to handle it. There is someone who has caught my eye, I’ve acted the fool at times and once again find myself feeling like I am lost in the woods, not sure what to do. I pray that i can find a way out for myself soon, not because I don’t wish to pursue it, but more that I can find clarity in what to do.
Throughout so much of this, my time in Lithmore I’ve felt lost and confused with myself. The Knights were a constant for me, they were my rock, my guidance, I knew where I was with them. I have pondered it and discussed it with several people, some I feel I have begun to grow close to. I finally decided to rejoin the Knights. Others ask me why, keep warning me I will have to start over again. It’s not the rank of Knight that concerns me, it isn’t prestige. it is the service. When i am training to be a Knight, when I serve I feel more confident in myself. I know what I am doing, I feel like I have purpose. I think that by doing this I can hold onto some more of my sanity as I try and learn my way through politics. In time I won’t need that comforting guidance, like a child with a blanket, yet still… I will feel like I am doing what I was meant to do. It will feel right. I will find the balance within my life.