Walking through the Shadows

3/29/365
I tried. I tried so hard to live up to the examples of the knights I came to respect, Sir de Roldan and Sir de Abn’Zahi. Two knights who examples lead me during my time as Earl Marshall. Yet even their examples could not prepare me for the betrayal within my own ranks. A single man’s manipulation cost me everything. A man whose allies are slowly being revealed for what they are. Le Orban called my theory nothing more than paranoia based facts, yet now that theory is beginning to show some merit. I need only wait now, wait for the rest of the pieces to fall in place.

Even if I must die. Even if I am just remembered as a man who gave into his paranoia and lost all grip on reality, I will have my revenge.

3/27/365

Why? Why is it that every time I have happiness within my grasp it is torn viciously away? Why is it that I must watch those I called friends die or disappear on me, while I still remain? So often I wish I could join them, to be free of the constant depression that this life offers. Part of me wishes Orban had just let the demon have me, perhaps then I could have died with a hint of honor, instead of being forced to haunt the halls of this home I built for a family that is not meant to be.

Cambrea… Why did you leave? What happened to you? Everything fell apart when you left. You and I always use to joke how we were like two halves of the same mind, yet I look back and I begin to wonder if we were not actually speaking the truth. The day I stopped receiving reports from you is the day a small part of me died. No longer did I have my grand master, my friend, that I could show my weakness to. Slowly my paranoia, my fears, my past began to catch up with me, and there was no one to confide in, no one to talk me out of the paranoia. Even as I sit here writing this I desperately hold back the tears, tears for the friend I lost.

Even Gerolf has been claimed by the corruption of this city, his death hidden. I can accept the order hiding the true cause of his death, but they don’t even have the decency to give him a proper burial. Yet even with his death I find the most prevalent thought going through my mind to be the most worrying; Who will I lose next, and when will it be my turn?

Decembris 4th

Well it happened. I thought it never could. I have given up on the Knights. I like to think that during my two and a half years within the knights that I did some good, but I also have to ponder what I should have done differently. Perhaps if I was harsher on my knights instead of trying to show them respect they would not have turned on me so easily. To think that Dame ab Vazien, a woman who seemed sensible would give into her selfish desire for public recognition, and take it so far that she would team up with a man who was once a demon, and likely still is. Even now as Earl Marshall she corrupts the knights further by letting herself be manipulated by Casimir Aldair. What was she thinking reinstating the man? What grounds does she even have for such an act, an act that goes against the very orders of the current cardinal.

But alas I fear the knights are too far gone for redemption.  Call me a coward, but I would rather not have my name tarnished and go down in history as ‘The grand master who sat by and watched the knights crumble’. That is not how I wish to be remembered, not in the slightest.

Even as I sit by and watch city officials scandals being revealed one by one, I can’t help but wonder when those calling out the scandals will take a look at themselves. The politicians of Lithmore are each corrupt in their own way. Some value power, some value allies, some just value wealth, but they all believe themselves invincible. That their little misdeeds will go unnoticed. I was fool for giving my only copies of those letters to Cambrea. If I had kept them I could be revealing to Lithmore that their illustrious regent is nothing more than a slaver. He thinks me a fool, that I actually bought his story that those letters were forgeries, and that someone just happened to forge his seal so perfectly. Why I hid those documents from the rest of the party that day in savir I am unsure… perhaps it was some form of misguided loyalty I felt to the man, wishing for such scandalous information to not be released to the public. Or perhaps it was the fact a large part of me wished the information wasn’t true, that the man I had looked up to, and taken guidance from wasn’t little more than a glorified slaver. I was fool to give into such a desire, and now I, and perhaps all of Lithmore, is paying for my mistake.

I just pray, with all my might, that my current actions may make up for my past mistakes. I am walking a fine line, and one misstep shall likely lead to my death.

6/25/363

Hello old friend. It seems like forever since I last wrote in you. Little over two years infact. Much has happened during that time, far more than I care to write about but the key point is this; I became Earl Marshall.

I still do not know how it came about, when I was but a squire, yet I will never forget the fear I felt when I did become Earl Marshall. It was a fear like none other, fear that you would fail so horribly that all would remember you for your failure. It would appear my fear was without cause. I have yet to mess up too horribly in my duties after nearly two years. Infact the knights have seen an increase in numbers since I became Earl Marshall… but at what costs? We have lost many good men and women including Sir de Abn’zahi and Sir le Tarrow in the war against magery. I have seen corruption from within, such as my real first action as Earl Marshall of having to remove Sir de Winter as Grand Master. Yet I can not say I would change anything I have done for they were necessary actions.

I have supported men who would only stab me in the back the instant it benefits them. I have been called blunt in my methods and yet find myself having to change who I am just to serve this position. But no matter the amount of change it is never enough to appease the cursed politics of this damned city. Many would question why continue, and yet I don’t have an answer, only that I will back down. Afterall I don’t serve as Earl Marshall for the perks of it, but I serve to better the knights and hopefully guide them to an age of greatness. Afterall it is my hope that one day all knights will be able to strive to the example that Sir Argider de Roldan made, for he is what all knights should be.

I hope that one day, those that hated me for what I did will see that I did not do them out of enjoyment but because I had to.

It has been many years since I last wrote in the journal. During that time much has changed. From being a mercenary to a page in the knight’s Lithmorran. Now that I am not constantly traveling I feel I should spend more time writing down my life for one may never know if other’s will read this.

4/27/361

Today was quite the eventful day. I awoke from my bed in the quarters used for pages. When I looked around all I saw were various other pages still asleep. Normally this would look bad on their part except that I usually wake up two hours before most. My mother use to say ‘It never helps anyone to burn daylight’. And because of that constant nagging it has been burned into my mind and has become a part of my day to day life.

Though honestly I do not enjoy how I spend the beginning of most of my days. That would be because I get the worst chores done first so I can enjoy the rest of the day.  Plus if I get said chores done early it looks good to my superiors. Afterall I do not intend to stay a page forever.