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    February 1, 2013 /  Internal Thoughts

    Death. More death. Arguments, and now nothing. I keep watching the sun set in the hopes it might do something to alleviate the troubles I feel eating away at me on the inside. I make them myself, one would think I could do something with them apart from stare and let them fester.

    Dagerian is gone. That was expected; he’s savage enough that he should have never been placed, but still I lament in his absence and worry about the next person to suffer under. Gavin is absent. Worse yet, others are talking about my familiarity with him; this is why I have no cause to be friends with any of them. Not the Lord Keeper. Not the Queen. You can’t foster a friendship while being mindful of titles, of position, of status.

    This Tenebrae…

    He poses us the most problems. He kills more than the Order, each one a supposed mage. I wonder if the murderer of the Vandagan Inquisitor will be next. His eyes are everywhere enough. Perhaps I should have been a thief, it would offer me more out of this life than staring at the windows in the cityguard and watching the sun set.

    More death. More nothing. I should have gone with mother, away from here. Maybe I still can…

  • 28th day of Decembris, Sun Cycle 356

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    January 23, 2013 /  Internal Thoughts

    Being the apprentice of Mistress ab Rhius almost seems a sin, what with how much I envy her ability to work in silks; moreover her ability to wear them. Though she tells me I am entitled to become a gentrywoman upon becoming a master tailor myself, I find myself uncertain of how that could possibly be achieved. I have never been in possession of the amounts of silver that the gentry possess, and I have never even considered a life above what I am now.

    Such dreams are for children, and oh how I had them in my youth.

    Still, it would be ridiculous to hope for those things now. Even if I do manage to find myself with money enough to be considered a woman of the gentry, why would anyone else be caused to think so? To most, I am simply the girl who speaks what she thinks when given reason to think it. I weave through the peoples of the city and talk to them frequently, but even they have no cause to think of me as anything more than the common girl.

    And what would life in the city be like if I were anything but? The gentry are as respected as the nobles, and it opens the door to be ennobled themselves, though I could never imagine being a noblewoman even if I were able to find myself as one of her Majesty’s ladies-in-waiting. Perhaps Gavin would have more to say on the matter; maybe I will discuss it with him when I have the next chance to.

    Ah, but if he speaks to me at all again after the other day. Regardless of what is said, I cannot think the worst of him. I wonder if this makes Sir de Guiscard right, that I am fallen prey to his charms. But if I have, then his wife has, and I cannot imagine he wants to think that of her; not when he seems so devoted. Will I fall prey to the same thing, should I find myself a gentrywoman with prospects?

    With all of this, there still is the dreadful cloud that is something utterly wrong in the Courts. Oh, but grim thought does nothing to prevent discomfort. It is best I forget that entirely.

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