Undoubtedly, the whispers have been heard. They are true, most at least, I am sad to say. Much of this time, I have been thinking on if I should say anything to it to the King. The man is one who I have, admittedly, been wanting to speak to yet, wholly cautious of any encouter. Suffice to say, I believe he was utterly wrong in this case. Indeed, this I believe, that Julea had sin, yes. But that sin was not enough for her death. I’ve been asked, why I stoped her Pyre. It is because, I believe, to send her to it would have been sacrelige. We have the Pyre as a last and purely final resort. To send a soul not needing it to the flame taints the flame, a sin which shall be answered for. This was not simply my decision, as I stated, the clergy and prelates agreed. Indeed, there were but two advisors who disagreed: His Majesty and Her Holy Honor. I prayed, Dav spoke, I followed.
And yet, there was sin later. I’ll freely confess it, as I did in the cellula, I fell to sin. It has been a wholly.. humbling experience. Often, we who sit so high in the Church forget that beneath all the robes, we are but men. Our souls are no more strengthened than the man who walks down the street. Our virtue is no inherently greater. Our hearts are not somehow protected by greats walls. Indeed, its these things that we must always remember, for two reasons. Firstly, to keep ourselves always aware and on the look out, but also to improve who we are as Priests, to remember that we are just as much a sinner as the man on the otherside of the confessional. We’re afraid to admit it, I think. As are the people.
I offer no excuses for my actions. They were my sins, borne of human error. They are my fault, my fault, my most grievous fault. Yet, can I say I regret? I’m not sure.. I am penitent, yes. I admit the wrong. I admit that I am sorry. But, when it comes to it, I look and see that what I did, in some ways, was going to pass eventually. Once I admitted to myself my heart, I think it would not allow itself resolved. I’ve come out the wiser. One of the greater powers of Heaven is not to keep us from sin, but to transform sin to virtue. I think, in an odd way, I found a chastity in my lust. A fuller understanding of the celibacy I shall retake from its prior violation. Come the end, I love Julea Sanguine and she loved me. -That- needs no penance. -That- was not a wrong. I but wish it could have come to a better conclusion. That I had had the strength to allow myself to make the right decision sooner and left the clergy before I tried to run after and explore that love. My sin, truly, was disgracing the Church. It is for that which I wear my new brand. Its for Jules’s death that I wear the scars of my heart.
Come the end of this, we all have lessons to learn. Forgiveness not being the least. Julea Sanguine should not have died that night. She was not treasonous. All I can say now is that I know she is in Heaven, I shall meet her there one day. I pray for His Majesty’s soul, for understanding on his part for something I frankly believe he did not understand and yet acted on nonetheless. He is a man too, I hope he never forgets that. For just as I have sinned, so shall he. He’ll have to be ready to face his conscience once he does.
Now, I take my final penance. The cloth shall again be mine, though now properly consecrated to atonement. I’ll take whatever burden the Mother Church sees fit.. its only proper. I again am a servant, the servitude I violated. In the end, I’ll be the better for this, God be willing.
