Flames in the Midst

Drunken ravings, mostly in Lithmorran, some in Tubori

Drunk again. So many secrets. Mountains and Tubori and horses. Amazing how one couple can make you want to run screaming and another can make you happy to be alive. If I don’t get annulled, I’m gonna have to withdraw my seeking the Bards. Can’t have the scandal of a whipped husband. So stupid, so completely stupid.

The diary lapses into a long string of curse words interspersed with stupid, idiot, and Arien.

Started a rumor about Talya and Harund Braye to help with that nasty one about her. Maybe not one of my better ideas.

26 Septembris, 354

So I’m spending some time in the mountains. Hopefully, things will blow over, and a few awkward questions will be a non-issue. I’m not really even sure that it’s that big of deal or that I’d even have to go through that. What I do know is that I’m not going to take the risk.

I took some time to treat it like a pilgrimage and went to pray in the cave of St. Celeste the Martyr. I’m not too sure if I should stay near the cave or not. Could be good in case there’s a storm or something, but I prefer to be closer to the Hillman camp I’m used to trading at. Probably make camp in the foothills or something. Much better for fishing.

Don’t see nothing, don’t know nothing.

13 Septembris, 354

Went into the sewers earlier to catch a rat. I couldn’t believe how ridiculously hard it was to catch a simple rat, but I’d only ever killed them. Seems that capturing one is a good deal harder than just killing one. I finally got one after I’d killed three or four by accident. The thing kept trying to take nips at my fingers, but I managed to put my cloak around the cage and keep it from doing that. Good thing, too, because who knows what kind of diseases that thing is carrying.

Later on, there was a shadow just outside the church square. I was near panic and wanted to get to the nearest guard station to fetch somebody, but it was just a shadow after all. Still a sign of some devilry afoot, I’d wager, but not immediately harmful. Still, I took a whack at it and then wrote to the proper authorities.

 7 Septembris, 354

 I genuinely just don’t know anymore. I don’t know about a lot of things. I don’t know what to do about He who must not be named, I don’t know where so many of the friends I made in the first few weeks of being in Lithmore are, and I don’t know about what I’m doing.

I mean, I’m too nice to be a proper one, and I just give it away most of the time. Whenever they stir my sympathies, I just give it away, one time totally anonymously. But does that excuse what I’m doing? It helps with pain, sure, but at what point do I have a moral duty to simply say no? At what point does it go from helping somebody relax and numb the pain to feeding an addiction? Are they one and the same?

I mean, I’m sure the analogy can be made to any bar man or maid in the land with alcohol. But why does this feel altogether different?

6 Septembris, 354

First time I’ve messed with this diary in about a year. The nightmares about Jacob have come back hard and strong in the past few weeks, probably because of what’s been going on with him…he who shall not be named…That’s all I have to say on that subject. I won’t fill this thing with curse words, in Lithmorran or Tubori either one.

I’m hoping to be a Troubadour, but I don’t know how it’s going to go. To explain how I can make up stories at the drop of a hat, I’m going to have to answer some hard questions about my past. We ran the scam of me being a poor lost child while my brothers robbed people blind for years. It was only when Jacob and I got to be thirteen or so that Lucas was finally able to  make it so we wouldn’t have to do that anymore. Lucas always said that he only targeted thieves or other scam artists, but I’m not so sure about that. I was never so sure about anything with him after he almost drowned me, though.

In any case, I just hope they’ll see that I was a child and did what I had to so we could survive. I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is.

 Undated

 I’ve spent the last three days recovering from that whipping right before they kicked me out of the village for good. Of course, Lucas, Jacob, and I spent most of the last five or six years just running around the wilds, so I don’t guess it’s really home anymore, anyway. My main mistake was trusting that little snake in the grass to keep his mouth shut and show discretion, but it just goes to show you that the only really trustworthy men are the ones related to you.

Still, I mean, he’s the tavern man’s son, and he doesn’t know how to show discretion? He’ll make a poor one in the future. One little “turn in the hay”, and they give me twenty-five lashes with a whip. Forget that he’s the one who seduced me and even admitted to it. Wonder what Jacob would think of all this?
He’d probably just say to forget about the lot of them and hug me. Wish he was here to go to Lithmore with me. It’s been almost two years, and I still can’t believe he’s gone. I still wake up at night, his final screams echoing in mind as I come out of my dreams. That’s sounds so stupid, and I feel like a child for waking up crying when I have them, but I just miss him so much.

My twin, my other half. Definitely the better half.