Boredom and disallusionment

I am currently sitting here, bored out of my mind.
I am still, where I was several days ago.
The earl marshal, comforts me, he tells me that actions will be taken soon.
Nothing, to my knowledge has happened.
Earlier, a few days ago, he showed me a box that looked like mine, but alas the things in the box were not.
I feel so… it is hard to explain.
I know, I ought not let a few possessions effect me so.
I do, but it isn’t just the lost of the posessions, it is the loss of my home, the fact that I’ve had to run from it, for the second time.
I feel so very… aimless, disillusioned in a way, if that is the right word.
I wonder what the point of everything is.
As I wrote in my last entry, I try an do good by people.
I always put forth my best effort, try an have a smile for everyone I meet. However, even when I do try my best, I am still left here, a target to any mage.
Why should I try so very hard, if at the end of the day, when I have gained a morsel of happiness, a mage will come, and play with my life as if it is a playground?
I feel so… uncertain of everything.
A part of me says, that there is a point, that I ought not let my misfortunes shape me so.
I hear my mother’s voice in my head from time to time, that things will heal. That, they will get better.
I hear my Father’s voice, to always try an understand, to turn the other cheek.
I hear my Grandmother’s voice, saying she’s never raised her grandchild to be rude to any soul, that she’s raised one to always be kind and gentle to others.
I hear all the voices of my betters, my elders, my family who have always led me well, and have taken me here to Lithmore, to become the prime medicus.
However, I also hear my own voice.
The voice of anger, the voice of acidic comments, who would never have a smile, or a kind word to say to anyone.
Who wonders, why should I?
There is my own voice saying, what is the damned use of being good and kind, if it is never repaid, if no one notices?
What is the use of being kind and good, if at the end of the day, my life is not my own and I cannot lead it the way I please.
I find… even when I think deeply on the matter, I do not know what I want.
I cannot explain why this particular event has hit me so deeply.
I have been threatened by a mage before, I have gone in to hiding at the keep before.
At that time, I shrugged my shoulders and moved on.
So I fail to see why this effects me so, and yet it does.
I suppose, because at the end of the day, I feel so truly violated.
When that mage threatened me, I was in public.
Where… as horrible as it is to think, threats may occur.
It was easy then.
I was the epion at the time I believe, and so it was understandable.
I could believe, that the threat was not a personal one, but a threat a mage might just make to a higher member of society.
I could believe, that it was not a personal attack, that it was not I just being targeted, but most people.
I understood that then, Archer was terrorizing everyone, not just me and so it wasn’t personal at me at all.
I was lucky at that time, to escape unscathed.
However, when this particular mage came in to my home, stole my possessions, it became so very personal.
I was being targeted. My home, my possessions, and my mind the mage sent his or her message through.
it was not a general terror, but a personalized one, and so I cannot help but to be effected by it.
Even as I sit here, I am unsure of how I am feeling, or more accurately why I feel the way I do.
so many people have extended their kindness towards me, more than I really deserve.
Gothan for one, all the knights, as well as the keeper himself.
However, rather than feeling thankful, I feel angry, bitter.
I wish, they would understand my pain.
I wish… perhaps that they might be angry with me, feel the way I do. Feel the same injustice I feel.
To really understand me.
I wish, they would spring in to action, and do things I cannot.
I know each case takes its due time and course, and even still I wish they would hurry it along.
none of this waiting, and waiting. I wish they felt equally violated, so that they might take action on my behalf.
They all tell me they are sorry, that they understand my anger, and in a way I know they do.
However, I wish they would do something.
I wish… I could go home.
I suppose most of all, I simply miss home.
I long for the things I lost, I grow bitter when I think of it, and then I yearn for home.
I yearn for action, for things to move along.
I yearn for this person to be properly punished.
Then… I don’t know.
I wish… not to take care of everything.
I wish to be left alone sometimes.
it is hard to explain my feelings, mostly because I am unable to discern them myself.
I should go.
Till next time.

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