Boredom and disallusionment

I am currently sitting here, bored out of my mind.
I am still, where I was several days ago.
The earl marshal, comforts me, he tells me that actions will be taken soon.
Nothing, to my knowledge has happened.
Earlier, a few days ago, he showed me a box that looked like mine, but alas the things in the box were not.
I feel so… it is hard to explain.
I know, I ought not let a few possessions effect me so.
I do, but it isn’t just the lost of the posessions, it is the loss of my home, the fact that I’ve had to run from it, for the second time.
I feel so very… aimless, disillusioned in a way, if that is the right word.
I wonder what the point of everything is.
As I wrote in my last entry, I try an do good by people.
I always put forth my best effort, try an have a smile for everyone I meet. However, even when I do try my best, I am still left here, a target to any mage.
Why should I try so very hard, if at the end of the day, when I have gained a morsel of happiness, a mage will come, and play with my life as if it is a playground?
I feel so… uncertain of everything.
A part of me says, that there is a point, that I ought not let my misfortunes shape me so.
I hear my mother’s voice in my head from time to time, that things will heal. That, they will get better.
I hear my Father’s voice, to always try an understand, to turn the other cheek.
I hear my Grandmother’s voice, saying she’s never raised her grandchild to be rude to any soul, that she’s raised one to always be kind and gentle to others.
I hear all the voices of my betters, my elders, my family who have always led me well, and have taken me here to Lithmore, to become the prime medicus.
However, I also hear my own voice.
The voice of anger, the voice of acidic comments, who would never have a smile, or a kind word to say to anyone.
Who wonders, why should I?
There is my own voice saying, what is the damned use of being good and kind, if it is never repaid, if no one notices?
What is the use of being kind and good, if at the end of the day, my life is not my own and I cannot lead it the way I please.
I find… even when I think deeply on the matter, I do not know what I want.
I cannot explain why this particular event has hit me so deeply.
I have been threatened by a mage before, I have gone in to hiding at the keep before.
At that time, I shrugged my shoulders and moved on.
So I fail to see why this effects me so, and yet it does.
I suppose, because at the end of the day, I feel so truly violated.
When that mage threatened me, I was in public.
Where… as horrible as it is to think, threats may occur.
It was easy then.
I was the epion at the time I believe, and so it was understandable.
I could believe, that the threat was not a personal one, but a threat a mage might just make to a higher member of society.
I could believe, that it was not a personal attack, that it was not I just being targeted, but most people.
I understood that then, Archer was terrorizing everyone, not just me and so it wasn’t personal at me at all.
I was lucky at that time, to escape unscathed.
However, when this particular mage came in to my home, stole my possessions, it became so very personal.
I was being targeted. My home, my possessions, and my mind the mage sent his or her message through.
it was not a general terror, but a personalized one, and so I cannot help but to be effected by it.
Even as I sit here, I am unsure of how I am feeling, or more accurately why I feel the way I do.
so many people have extended their kindness towards me, more than I really deserve.
Gothan for one, all the knights, as well as the keeper himself.
However, rather than feeling thankful, I feel angry, bitter.
I wish, they would understand my pain.
I wish… perhaps that they might be angry with me, feel the way I do. Feel the same injustice I feel.
To really understand me.
I wish, they would spring in to action, and do things I cannot.
I know each case takes its due time and course, and even still I wish they would hurry it along.
none of this waiting, and waiting. I wish they felt equally violated, so that they might take action on my behalf.
They all tell me they are sorry, that they understand my anger, and in a way I know they do.
However, I wish they would do something.
I wish… I could go home.
I suppose most of all, I simply miss home.
I long for the things I lost, I grow bitter when I think of it, and then I yearn for home.
I yearn for action, for things to move along.
I yearn for this person to be properly punished.
Then… I don’t know.
I wish… not to take care of everything.
I wish to be left alone sometimes.
it is hard to explain my feelings, mostly because I am unable to discern them myself.
I should go.
Till next time.

Bitterness and anger

Our home was robbed a few days ago, and as much as I try not to, I cannot help but to be sad, and angry.
The things they took, they were one of a kinds, things I truly cherished.
I know, it makes a person shallow, to care so much for their possessions, but those were things I will now probably never see again.
I feel so damned bitter and angry.
I’m a good person, I spent my life trying to do good by people.
I spent my time here in Lithmore, trying to do the best by my guild, and by the people who have come under my care.
I have tried to slight no one, though of course I probably did.
I’ve worked hard in my life, so then why am I not allowed to be left in peace?
All I ever wanted, was a nice home, with Arlet and to have a baby together.
Now, that home has been violated, and I fail to even see the reason behind it.
I work hard for my money, I make a concerted effort to take nothing for granted, and why is it these things keep happening to me?
I know it was a mage, the thoughts planted in my head, were not my own, they couldn’t have been, considering their nature.
Why can they not just leave me alone? For the love of god, I am not even a knight, nor part of the order, and yet for the second time, I am made to go in to hiding again.
For what? Why?
For once, my spirits do not rise, for once, I fail to see the good in things.
My home, my personal life, violated, me made to pack up what belongings I have and leave my own home.
I cannot help but to see the unfairness of it all.
People, live completely happy lives here in lithmore, they get married, have babies and have a perfectly good family.
Why, can I not be one of those?
I’ve never tried to hurt anyone, and I do not care if I come across as whining. My home was broken in to, and I think I am entitled to a bit of whining and complaining.
I have never done so.
It mattered not, what was thrown my way, I attempted to rise above and to continue living life.
This however, goes a bit too far, and all I see is red.
All I see, is the unfairness of this entire damned thing.
I love, my friends.
I love, commander Steenson and the knights.
However, if I’m to be honest, my confidence is low that they will ever find the perpretrator.
Even thinking so, when I was threatened in my own mind, I told commander steenson, even though they threatened me.
Even still, I did the right thing.
I know I did and so then why is it, that the people who do the right thing, the people who try an be law abiding citizens, who just want to live a peaceful life, cannot be left alone?
Why, are the mages of this world, the people that like to terrorize the innocence, left to roam this city?
Why am I, and others like me, expected to rise above, to live out our lives, to always be good, when mages and the like, can terrorize us whenever we like?
I don’t understand, I just don’t.
The injustices catch up with me now.
I trust and love the commander, as well as the Lord earl marshal, however I doubt they will make any headway ont his matter.
This will inevitably, be just one of those cases unsolved, and they will just give me platitudes, tell me they are working on it, when in trut it is a dead case, and I am meant to deal with its reprecautions.
Oh I know, I ought not to talk so, they are my friends, they do try, but if I have learnt anything during my time here, during these passed few days, is that we as the do gooders, must always learn to move on, to rise above, and the mages and the like, get to roam free with all the benefits that society can offer them.
No, I do not care how dark, or bitter that sounds.
I am bitter, and I am in a dark mood.
So for the time being, I am left to do… nothing, since considering, I am meant to be hiding away again.
Until when I wonder.
Somedays, I just want to give it all up.
Everything, and just go home.
Arlet, of course, was a mess when he found out our home was robbed.
I enver really expected him to be masculine, and I love him so, even when he isn’t as he calls it, the typical man.
However, I always thought, when I really needed him, when I really needed it, that he’d swoop in and take control.
That, he’d take it off my hands and I could just let him take care of things.
I was so upset last night, but then… I couldn’t be, because he was in a worse state than me.
Squire Ab Norcress asked us what we wanted to pack.
I looked to him to take care of it, to swoop in and handle it all.
Alas however, he turned to me, and of course I took care of it all.
When I was so horribly upset over the loss of our wedding clothes, and all the other things we cherished, he was worrying over whether his tailoring things, things that could be bought againa nd replaced, were still present.
I could not believe my eyes and ears.
he ought to have been comforting me, and taking care of things, but he spent the time talking with Miss Banta.
I cannot help, but to feel a bit of anger towards him as well.
I fail to see, why I am always made to take care of everything.
I love Arlet dearly, that will never change, but I feel this is a one-sided marriage, where I am meant to take care of it all, and he is left to enjoy the benefits of it.
That isn’t true, I oughtn’t to have wrote that but… damn it all, I really needed him a few nights ago, when we were fixing to move.
I needed him to take charge, for once, and take care of things.
I needed him next to me, I needed him to hold himself together, for I had tried to do the whole day, and at the time when I might lean on him, I could not, for he was crying, and he was such a mess, that he was made to lean on me.
It wasn’t fair.
Then again, none of all this is.
So I suppose I will end it at that.
Till next time.

My new home!!!

I am currently sitting in my favorite spot, in my new home.
Arlet, finally finished the drawings, I must admit I did in the end, let go in one of my towering rages.
I really ought not have, I do feel rather ashamed for doing so, for it brought tears to my husband’s eyes.
Sometimes, I wonder what I will do with him.
Each time, I chance to speak just a bit sternly, he becomes so timid, I feel I cannot really express my displeasure over anything.
Not, that he gives me much to be displeased about, but we are married after all.
Arguments are bound to happen, and I as his wife, should be allowed to speak a bit frankly and sternly.
However, he becomes so saddened and beaten down, that I feel I daren’t express it.
That, alas, is something we must work on.
Besides that though, everything is marvelous.
Our new home was built so very quickly, and now Arlet and I have lots of space.
I have invited several of our friends to come visit, and many have.
I’ve invited his grace, though I know it is a bit below him to come see a little minion like me.
if he does come though, which he says he will, I do hope he comes after my pantries and shelves have arrived.
My house is a disgraceful mess currently, things lying about, and no place to put them.
if he should come before then, I may die of embarrassment.
I love, our greenhouse.
It is one of my favorite places to sit.
It smells so good with all the plants growing, and the warm temperature there, it reminds me of tubor.
I do hate this winter so.
We’ve started a little farm Arlet and I, and I have learnt so very much in the passed few days regarding husbandry and caring for animals.
I think, we may expand the farm, it would be wonderful if we did.
Arlet, wants his own workshop, I do not blame the man, not really.
Especially if he intends on joining the merchants guild.
If I want an expansion, he is allowed one too. It is only fair.
The home is no longer cluttered, and I am extremely happy.
There was an incident the other day, when I was showing the commander the home, when some bloke, Fallon I think his name is, just burst through the doors.
We were all out by the greenhouse, beyond it, in the animal pen.
Granted, I ought not to have left the door unlocked, but some people feel trapped when you lock it behind them.
I was attempting to be conscientious of that fact.
He ought to have known, upon entering, that it was a home.
Rather than leaving, he just came in, welcomed himself.
I have never seen such behavior.
I practically shrieked my head off.
I have never yelled so loud.
Even when I know the commander had the situation under control, I could not help.
I believe Arlet thinks me a banshi or something of the sort.
At any rate, I shall close this up, and write another time.

A dreary winter morning

Diana closes and locks the door behind her, before she takes a seat in her favorite spot, The loveseat given to her by Lord Ab Castell.
She sighs, and puts another log on the fire, the warmth comforting her.
Turning to Yestin, her guard she says, “Somedays yestin, you just shouldn’t get out of bed. Have you never felt that way?”
yestin thinks on it for a moment and nods. “yes of course I have my lady,” he says, even when it is just the two of them, he is always formal, guard to the end he stands near the door.
“I wish, life were simpler sometimes,” Diana says with a soft weary sigh, as she runs a hand down her face.
“I wish, I wish I were a child again, back in Tubor. Where the weather is warm. here, the only place I can be warm is either here or well… here. Most of these places are so very drafty,” she complains, and for the first time, her tone is bitter and not her usual gentle way of speaking.
Yestin nods, and smiles back at her empathetically. “I do see what you mean my lady. There have been many a times, not in your service of course, but other times, when I wished I was just a simple guard. As you know, there was a time when I was head guard of a rather large household. It was during the times when some crisis or other fell upon the family I wished it. Wished, that I wouldn’t have to be the one taking charge.”
They simply stay that way. her, sitting in the loveseat, him standing by the door in companionable silence.
Finally, the silence is broken by her soft sigh. “I know I ought not to be so stressed so. I know things will happen in their own time, and as someone who always preaches that, I really ought to practice it shouldn’t I? However, I just want things to happen. I want Arlet to finish his drawings, so we can go ahead and expand. Sometimes, I feel like just bursting loose, and let all my pent up thoughts, and stress go. Then again, I could never do that, not as the woman, not as Arlet’s wife, not as prime medicus. I can never do that. I wish I could be a child again. When I was younger I could,” she says half wistfully, and half amusedly.
“So could we all when we were children,” Yestin says with a low rumbling chuckle.
His voice low and dark, much like the wood of a table.
“Yes, that is true,” Diana answers, she too now letting out a soft musical chuckle.
“Only… even when I was older, when I was at home, I could let go in to one of my towering rages. Not that they happened often mind you,” she says raising a minuscule hand before Yestin could comment. “No, they were rare, I was not, nor am I now like Emma, who is blunt, and honest almost to a flaw. However, I did have my towering rages. As the eldest daughter, sometimes you do.”
At this, Yestin lets out a low booming laughter. “I could hardly imagine you in a towering rage my lady, if I might say as much.”
At that point, a knock is heard. Diana lifts her hand to hush Yestin.
“Hush, we’ve guests,” she says before she answers the door.

Letter to Emma

Dearest Emma,
Thank you so much for your letter, and I do apologize for the delay in writing to you.
Yes, I did get the money sent by Mother and Father, do thank them for me won’t you?
Yes, I did warn Arlet, he doesn’t believe me.
When I told him, I may go as far as throwing his own book at him, he started to pout in that adorable way that he always does.
No, alas, I am not yet as round as a pumpkin.
It isn’t for lack of trying, or wishing it though, you may of course assure Mother of that.
I can see her now, doing the calculations.
I am glad Eleanor has found someone.
What is he like?
You failed to put in any details at all about him, you tease, knowing I would of course want that information off hand.
I am glad that you and Charlie, Eliza and Edward are doing well.
I would love to see Eliza’s drawings sometime.
perhaps I might ask her for one when my home is finished building.
Yes of course, I must invite you over, it would be unforgiveable to do otherwise.
I am sure, Arlet would be glad to see you, evenw ith all your merciless teasing.
I am sorry to hear that Grandmother is not doing well.
You are right, we did know, the move from Tubor to Lithmore was a bit much for her, and I wonder if she’s ever really recovered from that.
I hate this cold, this winter. I wonder if the weather will ever grow warm again.
As for Father, yes I had always known he might retire soon, though it is hard to imagine.
I had always thought of him, at the hospital seeing to patients, it is where he simply… fits.
In my mind anyways.
Oh and I forgot to tell you, I’ve become the prime medicus now.
yes, it is exciting isn’t it?
As for my life, and not just work, it goes along smoothly.
I only wish for a baby, but beyond that I could not ask for more.
I will of course let you know, how things go with the home, and the construction costs.
Part of me wishes, Arlet was not so set on expanding, but he does have a very good point.
Currently, our house is so very jam packed, we can hardly move about in it.
I wish, he would go ahead and finish the designs, so I can look them over and we can go ahead with our plans. I am hoping, that we might add a bit of farmland in addition to the gardens.
That way, we can get our own eggs and milk, and honey if we have a beehive. It really is exciting to think of.
Sadly however, I never did learn how to tend to animals, we never did have to worry of such things growing up, so I am searching for someone who might teach me.
Beyond that however, everything goes very well.
I promise I will write soon.
Farewell for now.
Hugs and kisses, Dia